02/11/2014 10:47 GMT | Updated 31/12/2014 05:59 GMT

Things That Turn Writers Off

2014-10-31-Writerspiece.jpg Image by Sadie Brown

No one's perfect - least of all me, but I do know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' so back the fuck off. Imperfections are endearing but lazy use of the English language is not, especially for a writer. Sure, if Tom Hiddleston were to text me 'laters' I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but pretty much anyone else would drop off my potential radar; I mean 'laters'? How exotic, I imagine the author would make for a mind expanding dinner date no doubt.

Seeing as I recently ended a liaison and the text talk was dire (examples to follow), I thought I would put together a little list of turn offs which I'm pretty sure most savvy individuals will give the nod too (joke). I have of course kept my ex lover's stream of texts to get through the tough times should I need an entertaining distraction.

Using the wrong 'your', repeatedly

Seriously - what is so hard about using the correct your? I cringe each time this word crime comes at me via the Internet; a worrying number of 'editors' and smart individuals can't stop reoffending. And as for men, I probably couldn't go crazy for you if you're an offender too - it's me that has to endure a life sentence of reading pain, so just STOP.

'I want to write a book'

Oh yes, I have heard this a few times from men - only at the interim stages of dating/fucking as they clearly wouldn't make past stage one. Is there a bigger cringe moment than someone you're seeing suddenly thinking they can do what you do? I don't no (sorry - last one I promise).

My favourite offender texted me this:

Him: 'hey I was thinking

I should write a book'

Me: 'it takes YEARS'

Him: 'u write it

I speak

lets make some money'

Me: Let's just stick to fucking (thumps up emoticon)

Him: 'ima do it myself then

and cash in all by myself'

Me: You do that!

I have no words. It didn't last long after that.

Incorrect use of the semicolon

Okay - it is probably the punctuation equivalent of Ebola, but I have a bit of a grammar crush on the semicolon. It's so powerful, so feared, and so unavailable - it's frigging hot and hard to use. I want in. Unfortunately over use of the semicolon, is a sure fire way to kill my vibe. I recently received an email from a potential client who kept placing a semicolon after my name; I didn't take the job.

Lazy text talk

As my budding writer displayed so beautifully in point two, text talk drives me insane. It is really so taxing to write, 'I am' as opposed to 'ima' (vomit), or another favourite among word thieves, 'yea'. I think they mean 'yeah' but by that point, I've lost interest.

Zero grammar

Like none like writing an entire paragraph without any grammar what so ever because who has time for that shit and everyone knows what I mean because ima the best you know it deal.

Not reading books, real ones

I was told years ago, 'If you don't read books, don't write them,' and it has always stayed with me. How can you expect to write well without a passion to read? With that in mind, if a smoking hot man tells me he has never read a book, he'll probably never see my fanny. Harsh, but true. Give me a man who knows Shakespeare and I'm legs akimbo quicker than you can type 'laters'.