23/10/2013 11:14 BST | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

The Banes of My Existence 3: Having to Buy Something From The Establishment You Only Entered To Use The Lavatory

When nature calls, it does so without regard to one's whereabouts. This has resulted in two very awkward moments in my life. The first, on golf course in Florida, the other whilst standing on the Great Wall of China.

However, assuming you are in a populated area, the drill is to go inside the nearest establishment, and use their facilities. Immediately you are faced with a conundrum: are you expected to give these places your custom in return for using their toilet? I argue 'no.'

Relieving oneself is the most universal action a human can do. Obama, the Queen and your mother does it. Therefore, restaurants, shops or offices should be receptive to this fact. To expect to benefit financially is deeply immoral.

Why should I buy a pain au chocolat from the coffee house I just relieved myself in? I am not even hungry. Surely they can understand this? Besides, me entering into their establishment increases their occupancy and acts as an instant visual marketing tool. It doesn't matter that I made a B-line for the restrooms upon entering.

Genuine clients may look at me disapprovingly. Yet they know what its like to be in my position. Everyone sits on the high horse when it's not them treading the moral tightrope. Stare at me all you want.

By the same logic, what if I was to enter a café and ask only for a glass of tap water. Drinking water is once again an incredibly human thing to do. Could I then sit in peace and sip away on my glass of water? Or am I once again expected to buy a token item?

Having never flown RyanAir, I am not sure whether they do in fact charge people to use their toilets, or if that's a myth. I do however, know that Euston train station charges you 20 pence for this service, which appalls me. Even though they have those fancy Dyson hand warmers...

Unfortunately, what this all boils down to is how society looks to monetize our lives. Even our most personal endeavors have a price. A compulsion to penalize, an obsession to charge and a desire to restrict. Society relishes exerting dominance. Not over me I tell you; watch me enter your shop, ignore your sales staff and relieve myself. Just try charging me for something. I dare you.