All images, unless stated, owned by Channel 4.
WARNING: This is jam-packed with The Great British Bake Off spoilers because, well, it's all about The Great British Bake Off.
To start, our favourite time of the week, Kooky Noel Bingo. We've got a triple winner this week with 'fictional metaphorical tiger'...
Can't you just see diva Hollywood in the production meetings?
Paul: so guys, folks, I always wear blue. Ok? I wear blue, because it brings out my eeeeyes (read in scouse accent). I already wear blue shirts. I'm going to need blue fridges. Blue walls. Blue shelves. Blue plants. Cornflower blue. Right? This is very important.
Anonymous Set Stylist: Yep we can do that.
Paul: Yes. Thank you, Anonymous Set Stylist, that's what I'm talking about.
Anonymous Graphic Designer: My name's Suzy. I've worked with you for seven years.
Anonymous Graphic Designer: And the online button too?
Paul: Yes, that's what I'm talking about Anonymous Graphic Designer
Anonymous Graphic Designer: I'm Greg. Your son.
Paul: Yeah ok, so this button needs to be cornflower...
And so on.
It's pastry week!
Signature - four 'gorgeous' savoury short crust pies - unlike those shit-looking pies the bakers might make
Technical - pastel de natas aka Portuguese tarts. Channel 4 were calling them pasteis de nata. Potato tomato.
'Now these really are worth the calories' - you can bet your sweet ass they are, Prue. Food heaven.
Showstopper - hand-raised pie with a hot water crust pastry case - wha? Meat or veg filling topped with fruit. Riiiight.
That tent must've smelt like a dream. Everyone's lard combined with Sophie's mix of game, Steve's Christmas dinner, Julia's blue cheese, and Liam's Caribbean roast.
This pie doesn't need a mould because of it's high fat content.
Our hyped-up-hun returned straight off the bat with an intense: 'PASTRY CAN SMELL FEAR. 100%'
It can also smell a whole can of cray too.
Noel's narration is always laced with judgement - and there's no word more slyly negative than 'homely'.
Prue was at it too, saying her showstopper looked homemade. Quite unfair on homemade food really.
First the insanely impressive injected poppy, now four pies dedicated to science heroes? This gal is nailing the stories. She is legit a genius.
'Now people think I can't make pie. I can. I can so make pie.'
I really wouldn't worry about these 'people', you can make a pastel de nata. That's more than cause for a wink-blink.
Someone's been enjoying a cheeky Ikea canteen trip or two, with his Swedish meatball, mash and lingonberry-filled pies.
I'm a big Fleetwood Mac fan, so I'm hence forth a big Steve fan. He should've spread rumours the pies were filled with horse meat (that's still topical Ikea chat... right?).
So as I was saying, big Steve fan now. *Steven sings Songbird while brushing his Songbird pie with egg wash*
So. As. I. Was. Saying.
Nope. Too cringe.
Although I did enjoy his Supermarket Sweep ref.
'I've got John Lennon...'
Oh wow! Using 'The Fab Four' to decorate four pies - what a perfect choice for this round! The Beatles were literally made for this challenge!
Oh nope, she's an idiot.
And how do you make a dull pie theme decorated by rubbsh portraits of dead people more boring? Why, you make them vegetarian of course!
She said her John Lennon looked more like Noel Gallagher because she was in a rush. And that's the sound of Noel Gallagher's life being made.
Steve went over to console her at the end of the round, and ended up just asking who was who. Bitch.
He was the most comfortable and confident we've seen him.
However big no nos on using a pound coin (and an old pound coin at that) to measure pastry. A urine-covered, cocaine-smothered, hobo-heavy-handled coin. Next he'll be using a bathroom door knob as a rolling pin.
I had Liam pegged as such a lovely, likeable fellow. 'I like playing football... video games.' So close.
I guess, he is a youth. Hashtagging his nan's name (#Cynthia) and saying things like 'decent' and 'they're bare puffy'. Not to mention his turmeric pastry - hello trendsetter/ sheeper. Granny Kate chose the same. So it's now officially not cool.
Tres strong week, so not the best for comical piss-taking. Quick side note too - you can put cling film in the oven?! Whaaaaat? I've seen it all now.
Has quite the banter with Noel, he tends to reveal things to her e.g. living in a tree, the Portuguese being so attractive.
Had a mare with her custard tarts, with overworked pastry and foamy custard - quite the feat.
Liam is star baker!
Julia is out! (Which really got to Sandi's emotionals)
'I'm so lucky to find something I love, when I'm only 21.'
Innuendos of the week
- 'Of course, the more you fiddle, the tougher it gets' - Prue
- 'I've kind of been fighting moisture problems the whole time' - Sophie - FYI one of my favourites
- 'I've got a big crack that's going to leak everywhere' - Stacey
Best of Noel and Sandi
- 'Welcome to pasty week... ah I was looking forward to pasty week. [Being a goth and all that]' [ ] symbols indicate unnecessary unfunnying
- Noel properly enjoying taking the piss out of Julia's 'things you can find in a tree' theme
- Is eating raw pastry a Danish thing? 'No, I think it's just me' - Sandi
'Next week, for the first time ever: Italian week. And the most demanding pastry challenge the Bake Off has ever seen.'
Until next time...