23/06/2016 11:21 BST | Updated 24/06/2017 06:12 BST

Ways in Which My Child Has Embarrassed Me

I've mentioned before that having children (and by that I mean the birthing part) pretty much strips you of all your dignity. There is no shame after hands have been where they have no right to be.

An utter lack of shame or dignity isn't quite the same as the capacity for embarrassment. My ever loving son has a unique ability to make my face go so red I feel like my ears are about to burn off.

Here are a few ways in which he has achieved ear-sausage status:

The Time My Boob Fell Out:

This might not exactly be the boys fault. It was in the early days, when he was starting to get really interested in things. Like curtains. I was feeding him when the postman knocked. I got up - still feeding like a maestro - and answered the door. Boy decided postman was very interesting. Postman did not know where to put his eyes. "Oh, what a" Ear sizzle grade 3/10

The Other Postman Incident

I was attempting to feed the boy some unidentifiable mush and he made his displeasure known by releasing a massive amount of his own special - and very identifiable - mush, straight out the sides of his nappy and all over his highchair. I had just finished changing him when the door went. Postman again. I see him wrinkle his nose. His eyes drift down and rapidly shoot up again. Turns out I have a trail of poo the entire length of my leg. Ear sizzle grade 6/10.

The Time He Couldn't Say Clock.

The boy had a lovely toddler lisp, as many toddlers are wont to have in order to pretend they are darling little creatures when they are in fact demons hell-bent on cooking your ears. This time I was pushing the boy through the churchyard, past an elderly congregation, when he started thrashing about in the pushchair pointing upwards and suddenly yelled "COCK! MUMMY BIG COCK!" Ear sizzle grade 7/10

The Barber Shop Queue

I take the boys to a local barbers. You can't book, so sometimes you have to queue. He'd actually waited really patiently for a good half hour before getting ants in his pant. A man stands up for his turn. He's slightly follicly challenged. Boy - just out of arms reach - shouts "Why is that man here? HE HASN'T EVEN GOT ANY HAIR!" Ear sizzle grade 8/10

The Cinema Popcorn Shame

I decided to take the boy to the cinema one rainy day. It was pretty busy. Being a miser, I snuck in some snacks to keep him quiet while we watched the film. It had just started, a hush had fallen, I pass the boy some crisps and he suddenly shouts "Mummy, what's this?! I wanted COCKPORN!" ..........Ear sizzle grade 157/10.