Over the years I've endured some really shit days out, really bloody boring. Not because I didn't like being out with my kids, no sir-reeeeee I love being with my kids, the shit days were mainly down to attractions being a total let down.
I never enjoyed it - the boredom of walking round local attractions. I used to get home completely exhausted from upholding a smile steadfast and unwavering, while wandering round 'attractions' as an undercover mum having fun, a great time!
Most, but not all days were spent convincing the kids we were having 'fun'. Visiting museums and the like could be stressful, especially keeping my eyelids from drooping whilst nudging the kids to keep quiet about 'being bored' and pay attention to the guide finishing his talk on ancient history.
LET'S GO QUEUE TODAY.
Theme Parks are all about queuing and, sometimes if you're lucky it's about the rides.
It's about queuing for at least an hour to experience a 2-minute ride. It's about speed, how quickly can you get your stiff arse in the seat before you're being asked to get your stiff arse back out. There's nothing graceful about these manoeuvres!
It's about joining more queues and moaning continuously, even joining in with fellow queue moaners, while eyeballing the smug bastard breezing by clutching a fast pass.
Finally, when the park closes (I'm getting my money's worth) it's off to sit in the car in another queue.
It's about concentrating hard on keeping bumper to bumper with the car in front avoiding eye contact with the smug bastard edging his way out waving his fast pass!
7 THINGS GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN WHILE OUT WITH KIDS.
Entrance Fee - Unless you have a cereal box, clubcard vouchers or your friends merlin pass, be prepared for the sight to be robbed from your eyes to get in.
They will need the toilet - Guaranteed to raise my blood pressure in a nano second. No matter how many toilets you pass checking as you do, if they need the toilet. Of course they never will, not until the closest one is by the entrance 4 miles away.
They will need the toilet, just has you make it to second place in the queue, having lost the will to live for the last hour. They won't wait they will want to go now and assume they can then hop back to where we left off in the queue.
Souvenir shop - this is a love/hate relationship for me. I love: The sight of the Souvenir shop fills me with relief, it spells END for me. The urge to start whooping and sing hallelujah fill me as I cross the finish line.
I hate: dodging the shelves of tat without having to whip out the credit card just so the kids can indulge in some bookmarks for books they don't read or a pencil case they will later decide they don't actually like.
Useful/Fun facts - this is the bit I struggle with. Not because I can't read, but how long is long enough to LOOK as if I'm reading without moving on to quickly. Am I the only one that keeps up this pretence?
His nibs is often doubtful of undercover fun mum, regularly trying to blow my cover with questions such as:
'did you actually read that'? -
'since when have you been interested in that'?
Photos- visual confirmation of everyone having 'fun'. Each shot requires patience, a few bribes and lots of idle threats when one is just not 'having their photo done'.
The day will be spent clicking away, capturing any old shit and trying to get that one, natural shot of the kids so you can update your cover photo on Facebook later.
Eating - We always bring our own food. Simply because it's bloody expensive at these attractions, and generally the food is crap. Plus I know I will only end up being that moany
"jeeze we could have bought ten in Tesco's for that price"kinda mum.
Admittedly our food has been scoffed long before lunchtime arrives mainly because we spend the first two hours walking 10 steps to stop, open, eat and close the backpack....and repeat.
With all food demolished the kids are S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G they simply can't go on.
This means one thing, pleas for hot food and promises of how they WILL eat it, they won't waste it this time........promise!
As soon as a chip passes their lips, a frown forms and moans of it tastes "funny" start and 4 bags of fries make it back to me to 'try'.
So it's off to find a bin, and a corner for me to sit and mourn the loss of my last penny whilst muttering 'that's the last time I get caught on this'.
Play Area - They will do anything but play. They will want to sit with you, moaning constantly how bored they are and how your 3 yo thinks it's soooooooo babyish.
You will spend the whole time telling them 'how lucky they are' and dishing out idle threats.
They won't be content with playing on the 'free' stuff, the pay per go aeroplane or car is way more appealing.
Finishing off with a high pitched whingy voice pleading for just one go on the wall mounted plastic tub housing something impersonating a bag of skittles on a diet from 1995.
Any other undercover mums having fun out there?