23/12/2014 23:48 GMT | Updated 22/02/2015 05:59 GMT

Why New Year Resolutions Are For Wimps!

This New Year I have decided things will be different.

Not for me the guilt-trip of recrimination that generally follows my orgy of over-indulgence during the Christmas holidays. In short, I have decided that come January I will no longer be making public declarations of unrealistic New Year Resolutions. Promises that, if I was truly being honest with myself, I will have happily dispatched to the wheelie-bin of good intentions long before the last stroke of midnight chimes on Twelfth Night.

So it is, with a new and strangely liberating spirit of realism, I have decided to celebrate my new-found self-awareness by placing on record a list of things I know I actually have a fighting chance of achieving during the coming year.

Firstly, on the subject of personal fitness and finance, I will not be wasting any of my hard-earned cash on gym memberships. That's £650 saved at a stroke which can then be diverted to far worthier projects such as funding my longstanding takeaway and fledgling Nutella habits.

In fact, while on the subject, I have also decided that, instead of wasting months wallowing in self-loathing I fully intend, not only to celebrate my long-cultivated 'muffin top', but to positively nurture it. Henceforward, the only six-pack likely to be attracting envious glances from this quarter will be the breakfast presentation box from Krispy Kreme.

Last year I was told that I needed to sort out my priorities. So, to that end, from now on I will be devoting far more 'quality time' developing my Twitter following, playing computer games and generally enhancing my online flirting skills ... and consequently far less time with my family. Frankly those people are so needy!


During downtime and zoning-out periods, I intend to finally abandon my lofty but ultimately doomed attempt to tackle some of the better known classic novels of 20th century literature and continue my extensive and far ranging study of online erotica while also redoubling my efforts to produce a world-record attempt elastic-band ball.

I hereby also openly acknowledge that, despite my annual protestations to the contrary, I will not now be volunteering at, or donating to, Amnesty, Greenpeace or that donkey sanctuary in Eastbourne that my Aunt is constantly bleating on about. Instead I will turn my attention to causes much nearer home by diverting funds in support of a much-prized local amenity. Any spare time will now be spent much nearer home with like-minded members of the community in such worthy pastimes as low-level gambling, occasional pub quizzes and darts. And, in a further effort to show my support and boost their dwindling coffers, I hereby announce my intention to drink far less in the way of bottled water and far more in the way of neon-coloured alco-pops, spirits and beer.

On more general matters, I further wish to put on record my intention to stop pretending that I am not judgmental about anyone who takes up yoga, swears by homeopathic medicine or who watches Bargain Hunt or anything with Adrian Chiles in it.

Finally, I owe it to myself to acknowledge that I do indeed have a very short attention span and am far too easily distract ...

Sorry, must just check Facebook to see if anyone 'liked' my last posting...