26/01/2015 11:01 GMT | Updated 25/03/2015 05:59 GMT

24 Things No Parent Wants to Hear

I have three kids. They range in age from six-and-a-bit to not quite 20 months yet. They are noisy. They all talk all the time (no idea where they got that from). I love the chats and the sweet singing, but there are some sounds that send me over the edge, that make my heart sink, my head hang or my shouting commence. These things more than others are triggers for me, especially when I'm tired. Things my kids say or do that spell trouble. Here are 24 of them, recognise any? Many of these are set in the bathroom or near water hazards, this is not a coincidence.

For balance I'll have to do a post of 24 things every parent loves to hear, but then I might sound smug. This is not a smug list.


  1. "Oopsie!" (oopsie is never good, especially coming from the bathroom in a four-year-old voice).
  2. "Mum, I accidentally...." (easy tell he's a lawyer's son, getting his defence in before his confession).
  3. The scraping noise of the chair being pushed across the kitchen floor by a toddler who's just learned how to climb it.
  4. "I started to make the cake all by myself, LOOK!" (in a three-year-old voice).
  5. "I cleaned the bathroom floor for you....with that brush that was beside the toilet".
  6. The sound of ALL the teaspoons being flung from the cutlery drawer by a cross toddler.
  7. "My yogurt exploded all over my schoolbag, see?"
  8. All the fighting noises.
  9. "MUMMMMMM can you wipe my bum, it's messy".
  10. "I can't hold all these eggs for one more second".
  11. "MUMMMMMM I'm helping with the washing up for you".
  12. "Mama do you like my makeup?"
  13. "Toddler Sister is in the cupboard again".
  14. "Mama I drawed you a picture with this special crayon". (It was a Clinique Chubby stick)
  15. The sound of ALL the boys' Lego being emptied onto the wooden floor
  16. "I can't remember where I left my (wet) pull-up the last day".
  17. "I cleaned the window with the spray" (the spray was furniture polish).
  18. "There's a poo in the bath, who putted it there?"
  19. "My inhaler fell into the toilet".
  20. "Toddler Sister has the Sudocrem". (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
  21. "I'm just mopping the pesto jar I dropped off the floor". (with the brush)
  22. "I putted a circle thing up one of my noses and it's stuck" (one visit to the out-of-hours GP service to remove a fake holly berry required).
  23. "Oh noooo Mama, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED..."
  24. *hushed tones to one another * "Mum is not going to be happy about this".

Sound familiar?