I overslept, I keep doing it. Had one very nice day in the Castle Museum drawing stuffed bunnies, the rest just sleeping really.
Walked across the field this morning, up the main road to the retail park, had a coffee in Burger King, not as busy as McDonalds, quite airy and light, looked at some small vans for sale, thought about living in one, sort of, seeing new things, enjoying the open road.
Wandered into the fitness centre, might be worth the risk, I guess serotonin could happen in my brain, if I can make myself go there. I sat in the café for ages, enjoying the change of scenery. Read the local paper, 'Hens For Sale' caught my eye, that would have been a good alternative path for me, a small holding, the attachment to animals, and no direct neighbours, good for music, a bit of space, that might have been a plan. I don't know, I'm not very motivated by anything but making things.
I imagine driving somewhere in a van, France, Italy, the sense of freedom makes me happy, I stop off at a beauty parlour in some small town and get my nails painted pale pink, my hair extra blonded, I feel good. I by chance get invited out to dinner by some vague male apparition, I go out of curiosity, this is like tripping, I try to see what he looks like, Dennis Weaver in McCloud, crikey.
I'm forty five now, if I travel till I'm sixty, that's fifteen years, and then settle down somewhere like Alnwick, well somewhere near the sea, in a bungalow, detached, with a few hens and goats, some rescue dogs, that would be nice. I'd make pottery, garden, and have one room for oil paints, and one for acrylics, grow sweet peas, have a log fire, have a bonfire, YES, now you're talking, if ever you want to motivate me out of bed, just say "there is a bonfire". A small fire in a bucket in a car park is just as good, (a metal bucket), and on a beach oh dear Lord, that would be heaven. All these things really need company, I need classes on how to be sociable.
I've got some half-assed plan to make a list of things to do today, it's not going to happen. I'll be cheered when little niece comes back in....you know 'positive people' ? She's one of them, all sunny.
I'm going to give this keeping fit thing a go tomorrow I hope, and steam-room out all the negatives in my brain, for a bit anyway. Good old Lucky has arrived, the sweetest chihuahua, I shall miss these little bundles of love.
Well, I'm now making a promise to myself to not be afraid of what awfulness comes out of my fingers onto canvas. To rough in a good painting by the end of the day, that alone will cheer me up, it's only a few metres away, if my brain doesn't get in the way between now and then. Baby steps, you can only ever really do baby steps.
('Jamie and the lions at Norwich Castle Museum', oil on board, Jacopelli Collection, Naples, 2004).