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05/05/2014 15:15 BST | Updated 05/07/2014 06:59 BST

Fourteen Useless Things to Add to Your 'Before I Die' Bucket List

Did you ever dream or have any aspirations to stroke an elephant's trunk whilst wearing a biker's bandana, throw yourself out of a two-seater plane to raise money for a cause that doesn't really care about you, or go down a water slide backwards as you try desperately not to get your smartphone wet as you take miserable crowdies with your family?

(a crowdie is a selfie with more than three or more other idiots within lens shooting range who have strange afflictions for sticking their tongues out and thumbs up for approval).

No?

I didn't think so.

So why does it take a life-ending diagnosis to make us do silly and very dangerous things?

So-called experts will say the danger aspects have been wiped out because once your doctor gives you a run down on the state of your soon-to-be liquefied colon, and your ass is body bag material - somehow putting your hand up the inside leg of a tarantula doesn't quite have the same fear factor effect.

For me, personally, I think those who do these crazy things before they die are just overly-enthusiastic attention-seekers. Why would you publicize such a private matter?

For self-validation, that's why.

So, I came up with a few ideas of useless things you can add to your bucket list; should your health specialist give you the dreaded news that your life expectancy has now reached the same maximum as a supermarket pint of milk.

Before I die I want to...

1. Milk a cow at the same time as whistling the national anthem of Albania

2. Punch a shark square on the nose with a sparring partner's boxing glove

3. Brush your teeth then drink a glass of grapefruit juice from an upside down position

4. Mow your lawn with polythene weight wrap around the waist to stop your belly from jiggling

5. Go on a package holiday and ride an inflatable banana - with 12 other idiots

6. Open up a Nigerian bank account then send 10million unsolicited emails telling everyone you are the son of a deceased rich diplomat

7. Watch a game of snooker on a black & white TV set with one eye closed

8. Swim with dolphins who have learning difficulties to show how much empathy you have

9. Get revenge on everyone you hate by sending them a friend request on Facebook - wait a couple of days - then unfriend them

10. Go scuba diving with an expedition team but stay safely behind a reinforced cage where you sneakily summon a great white to carry out a ferocious feeding frenzy

11. Taunt your local police with serial killer promises then watch the news whilst munching on a large family-sized packet of chips and giggle knowing you know something they don't

12. Wear a space suit and go to a museum uninvited, unannounced and collect money from people

13. Hire fifty Mercedes Smart cars and park them all awkwardly at your local supermarket car park, half-filling the spaces but still enough where no f***er can put their car

14. Write another bucket list in case the doctors got your diagnosis mixed up with some other poor bastard's

Read more from Stephen in the Dafty News