There is one subject that my kids need to do no work for, no preparation, no homework - and they are still world experts. That subject is drama. Not in school, but in life. Are your kids the same? Here's my checklist...
1. If they are told off, they throw themselves on the floor and their body takes the form of one of those crime-scene body chalk shapes. You know they are alive and well, largely due to the stamping of their feet and guttural animal sounds that are emitting from their mouths. Usually the word "Hug".
2. They seem to know about the art of Lamaze breathing to calm down. No, they are not at birthing age - they are dramatic. Trigger statements include "We're going to the dentist tomorrow" or "You need an injection" and breathe...
3. Rolling of the eyes started just after birth - around the time they learnt to focus their eyes. Example - you say "Don't hit your sister again - do you understand?" and cue prolonged eyeroll. If you're lucky, you'll be treated to the full whites of the eyeball eyeroll - this is a level 2 eyeroll.
4. They use the word O.M.G accompanied by hands on hips in perfect context before they are potty trained or know their colours.
5. Stomach aches. They have stomachaches every day. Usually when asked to do something that doesn't suit them.
6. They have learnt that slamming doors is not as effective as leaving them ever so slightly ajar. I'm slightly proud of that one.
7. You have a floaty dressing gown or dress they like to wear whilst walking at speed from one room to another so the train floats up in the air in their wake. Makes for a great, dramatic exit.
8. When upset by something, anything, everything - they fold their arms and stick their noses up in the air and then proceed to storm off. This move is much better if wearing the aforementioned floaty dressing gown or dress.
9. They give you a death stare if you ever dare to embarrass them in front of their friends. Example - (heavens forbid!) hugging them, kissing their little cheeks - an off the scale crime.
10. They have been crying and you are en route somewhere and imminently before arriving they say "Mummy, am I B.L.O.T.C.H.Y?" and then when I say no - although invariably they are - they want to check in the mirror. When they see the truth - they cry harder.
11. They have a new language. It's easy to learn. Follow these tips. Add -UH onto any word, and whatever you are saying becomes that bit more dramatic. Examples - "What-UH" "Why-UH did you say-UH ..."
12. When they're upset and you tell them to calm down, through floods of tears and a blotchy face they scream "I don't know how-UH".
13. After a tiny fall, they look at you for reaction and when that's not forthcoming, they search their bodies for ouches and show you every single cell that may have been affected. This takes a while. They then go on and on and on about this pain for a very long time - usually until they watch TV or a friend comes over and then POUFF, like magic, it's gone.
14. The need for a plaster is greater than a need for food.
15. If something doesn't quite go their way their mantra is "this is my WORST day E.V.E.R in my WHOLE E.N.T.I.R.E. life" which is funny especially if they are three years old.
16. After half an hour of television - oh the moods when it's switched off - you would think they had been sentenced to 24 hours of continuous exams.
17. They 'almost' fall down the stairs and need comforting for 'shock'.
18. When they have been caused a grave upset - example - "you moved my L.E.G.O./switched off my M.I.N.E.C.R.A.F.T" and other such heinous parental crimes- they threaten to move out - which with my kids is a joke considering they can't even dress themselves.
19. If you've nagged them, they scathingly tell you, more than likely with a level 2 eyeroll, that you've 'gone down' in their chart of top family members.
20. They suffer from stress. Example "I've lost the sellotape from my mini stationary set - I'm SOOO stressed" and then proceed to have a 'Sellotape mood'
21. Last but so not least - the reason I know I have given birth to drama queens is that....of course, they take after me.
How about you?