06/10/2016 12:59 BST | Updated 06/10/2017 06:12 BST

Ten Parenting Lies We Tell Ourselves

In my almost three years of parenting I've learnt that child-rearing mainly consists of cleaning up shit, wondering what to cook for dinner and lying. It's not just the lies we tell our kids - "oh sorry they just don't make ice-cream on Wednesdays" - or the ones we tell other people - "yes of course Tarquin only ever watches TV as a very occasional treat" - but also the ones we tell ourselves.

Some are white lies that get us through the long days (and nights) and help us feel like we can totally nail parenting* and some are things we utter when we're expecting but once the little cherubs have burst forth into our lives we realise they were actually big stinking crocks of shit tied up with a falsification bow.

So in the spirit of this deception and deceit here are the top-ten lies we tell ourselves as parents. How could you?

1. My child doesn't sleep because they're clever.

I have no idea if this is true but it certainly makes me feel better at 2am and 3am and 4am. To be honest though I'd rather have a child that was stupid but asleep.

2. I will only drink at weekends.

Definitely true if Thursday and Monday count as the weekend. And sometimes Wednesdays and the occasional Tuesday when necessary.

3. I won't eat that half masticated fish finger.

Although wasting food is pretty despicable and I haven't really eaten anything since breakfast...

4. I won't use the TV as a babysitter.

Except when I need to cook dinner or load the dishwasher or scream silently into a pillow.

5. I will never raise my voice in anger.

Yeah, good luck with that.

6. I will never check Facebook when I could be playing with my child.

Although I really should read that article about Ryan Gosling and it would be rude not to comment on my cousin's friend's ex's wedding photos and playing imaginary games with a two-year-old is mind-numbingly dull.

7. I won't subject my child to the humiliating spit and lick routine.

Listen, sometimes all that stands between me and the disapproving looks from an old lady in Tesco is some good old saliva on a scraggy tissue.

8. I will never use chocolate as a bribe

Let's not think of it as a bribe, let's think of it as a motivational tool to encourage positive behaviour. There I feel much better now.

9. I will never ever complain about my children

I will because sometimes kids are dicks.

10. I won't be one of those parents that post endless pictures of my child on Facebook

Writing a blog doesn't count though right?

If you enjoyed this list of ten, why not check out my blog - and another then things - it's got a whole heap of them.

*I think you are totally nailing parenting. In fact you're freaking awesome. Have a biscuit you superstar.