A Letter To Keanu Reeves, Regarding The Matrix

Dearest Keanu - I have some questions about the first Matrix film that have been bugging me for YEARS and I was hoping that you could answer them and end my pain...
Reuters Photographer / Reuters

Dearest Keanu

I have some questions about the first Matrix film that have been bugging me for YEARS and I was hoping that you could answer them and end my pain.

I know I could watch the two sequels and possibly find out more, but Keanu, I can't bring myself to (and to be fair, lots of people have told me they aren't very good). Not because I didn't like the first Matrix film, I did. I have seen it approximately five thousand times over the years (give or take a few thousand).

The first few times I didn't know what the hell was going on, but over time, I have come to understand more, but still, there are questions which I feel that only you Keanu, can answer.

I watched the film again last night, and I have made a little list, which I am sure you will be thankful for.

1) You know that nightclub at the beginning, is it a real hole when the lights go up? Did Neo stay until the end anytime he went there? I never saw him with a drink, did they not do the bottle of Becks for £1 (forgive me, for I am British and therefore don't do American beer or currency).

2) What if you took the blue pill and the red pill? Would they cancel each other out? Because Keanu, I must tell you, if I was in Neo's situation, I would have asked that question. But Maybe Neo takes life more seriously than I do. Actually, I am sure he does. Keanu - he seems quite boring if I dare say so. Fit, yes, but I don't think he would be a great night out - far too intense.

3) What did Neo do for fun pre the whole Matrix thing? When I watch the first part of the film, I can't help but worry for him. I'd like to take pre Matrix Neo for a pint and tell him to chill out and that it's all going to be ok. Well, I don't know that, I haven't seen the sequels, but I am sure he's all right now.

4) So, you meet that lady and the man with the awfully small sunglasses and you are in the 'real world' thing. Or the Matrix - which is it, Keanu? I get so confused. So anyway, this 'residual perception' lark. Are you telling me that even though my real body has been in a pod thing and is all thin that because of 'residual perception', I would still see myself as fat with crap hair? Because I am not being funny, Keanu, but it's okay for you as you are good looking. What about the rest of us? How is that fair?

5) This new place where you are, it's all well and good, but is there a Poundland? A Sainsbury's? Keanu, could I still get a McDonalds?

6) All the people who are awake seem a bit miserable. Yes, I get what they are trying to do, but do they ever have a night off? Do they ever just have a drink and play Xbox and have a laugh, Keanu? Because I think if they did, it would really lighten their moods, they do all seem very uptight.

7) Why are Morpheus' sunglasses too small for his face? This is what leads me to believe you probably haven't got a Poundland there. There must be shops though Keanu, or at least you can still access Amazon, or where do you get your pants from?

8) Is there a pub? If you can magic up a Dojo to do all the martial art shit, surely you could magic up a pub for afterwards? Keanu, can I take you for a drink one night?

9) So, I get that if you die in the Matrix, you die in the real world (you are really going to have to explain this Matrix/real world thing to me - over a pint, perhaps?), but Keanu, what if you need the toilet in the Matrix? Do you wake up with wet pants?

10) For arguments sake, if you go back into the real world simulation and you pass a Burger King, could you go in for a quick Whopper Meal? Keanu, I know I keep going on about food, but honestly, Neo looks like he needs a good meal. I could take you for fish and chips after our pint though?

11) You know the Oracle? Well, I am sorry, Keanu, but she is just the worst child-minder EVER. Those children in her living room are getting up to all sorts while she's off in the kitchen, and to be frank, they look bored. He dressing up box is odd - who has a Buddhist monk costume for children? I think she's breaking the adult to children ratio too. I must say Keanu, I am considering calling OFSTED and making a complaint about her.

12) Do houses in America really have walls that you can climb in? Does your house? Keanu, can I come to your house please? Keanu, what's your favourite drink? Mine is Stella.

Well, Keanu that's all the questions I have so far, because I will admit that I had a few drinks and fell asleep. The Matrix really is a bloody long film.

I understand that the Matrix was made a very long time ago, but if you could give me the answers I seek, I would be eternally grateful.

Are you free for that drink next week then, Keanu?

Yours in hope,

A Confused fan

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