25/01/2017 05:42 GMT | Updated 26/01/2018 05:12 GMT

This Girl Can't Be Bothered

I want to die the way I lived - fat and drunk. And possibly eating a kebab.

I got asked to get involved with a local campaign to promote the whole "This Girl Can" exercise and confidence thing.

You know, the government campaign where they tried to make looking fat and shite in a swimming costume the new cool thing? Oh, I can say that by the way, because I am a fat cow - no one would look more shite in a swimming costume than me. That's if I ever wore one, because I don't. I am fat you see, and therefore, quite lazy.

My idea of fun isn't swimming or running or playing on a women's football team (oh please!), it's sitting in a beer garden, having a fag and few pints and getting a take away on the way home - at least I am being honest about it.

The "This Girl Can" campaign really gets on my nerves, probably more than it should.

All those commercials with wobbly women (I am fat remember, I can say that) running up hills and getting sweaty or jumping into swimming pools, bingo wings flapping (see previous note) makes me feel a bit sick. I don't think that sweat running down my arse crack while my frizzy hair sticks to my face would make me anymore of a woman. And yes, woman - I'm 36, I haven't been referred to as a girl for 20 years.

I have absolutely no desire to be healthy.

I have been there, done that and it wasn't fun. About five years ago I came to the decision that I would rather eat pizza and drink beer than eat salad and go to the gym. I used to be skinny and it was quite hard to stay that way.

My inner fat, chavvy, bastard kept trying to escape.

I kept trying to kill her by running on a treadmill and drowning her with two litres of water a day. I was even a vegan for a bit and let me tell you, a life without a Friday night Kebab and a ten pack of Camel lights isn't a life at all.

I might have gone a bit too far the other way over the past couple of years and got a bit too elephant like, so I have begrudgingly gone back on Atkins to shift a few stone, but I am never going to be a size six again as I was throughout most of my twenties, and I have no desire to be.

Do you know that men weren't as interested in me when I was thin, even though I always had big boobs and an arse?

I noticed that as soon as I started putting on weight that men seemed to like me more. I mean, serious amounts of male attention. I put it down to the fact that I am no longer uptight about what goes in my mouth (insert blowjob joke here) or what I drink as long as I am having fun.

I get asked out and have phone numbers thrust into my had very often, despite being fat and hurtling towards middle age. Maybe most just feel sorry for me or think I would be an easy shag because I am desperate (which I am not) but I think some are genuine.

When I was thin I was boring and miserable - and no, I am not saying all thin people are miserable, like some jealous, fat bitch, I am talking about myself.

I was constantly trying to stay thin. I was counting calories and stressing about how much fat I'd eaten. It was no way to live and it made me boring as hell. I know there are some people who can be effortlessly healthy, but I am not one of them. I am one of those people who is meant to sit on my arse, so running about takes serious effort.

I will totally be declining the offer to help with the local campaign. My fat filled heart wouldn't be in it, and anyway, it's not paid.