I feel bad, but I just don't care at all about the FIFA World Cup. Here's why...
I feel terrible and I want to care, but when it comes to the FIFA World Cup, I just don't.
It's the biggest sporting event in the world, billions worldwide will be watching, and it only happens every four years. I know all this.
Still, I'd rather watch Masterchef after being told who's won, re-runs of Two and A Half Men and a blank screen. Seriously.
During a final of the 2010 World Cup, my television stopped working, and while staring at the blank screen and contemplating what pizza I was going order for home delivery, I realised I was enjoying myself more than watching the actual game.
It's not that I haven't had a go. In 2006 my Dad and I watched most of the games. For seldom longer than five minutes, before changing the channel to reruns of M*A*S*H.
Far less than not caring, I actively dislike soccer. After so many round ball disappointments, I've developed some sort of programmed response, so whenever I hear 'World Cup' I just feel repulsed.
Phrases with the same effect on me include: 'Justin Bieber', 'we're out of fried chicken', 'insufficient funds', 'no more drinks' and 'Ben Affleck will be the next Batman'.
Also, don't forget that FIFA is a corrupt organisation, full of self-important wankers.
'No, we did not take any bribes,' the FIFA officials told the world, and promptly awarded the 2022 World Cup to Qatar.
Then got into their brand new gold-plated cars, to drive off to their diamond encrusted castles in the sky, where they whiled away the afternoon throwing sapphire sticks for their ruby dogs.
Then there is just so much to dislike about the game itself. I mean, use your hands. Opposable thumbs were one of the main reasons we evolved into humans, along with our brains, so how can a game be called skilful and beautiful if the players refuse to use either?
I've been reared on real football. Where blokes routinely get their heads knocked off, only to calmly put them back on and continue.
Okay maybe not, but players are often concussed, and refuse to leave the field. They break bones and wreck knees, then limp to the bench. While soccer players are hit in the cheek by a particularly strong breeze, and fall to the ground like they've been shot. With an elephant gun.
World Cup play is often extremely defensive, as everyone is terrified of losing, thus rendering it even more unwatchable.
If I wanted to witness a bunch of overpaid airheads obsessed with themselves nonchalantly kicking around a ball for 90 minutes, I'd give the cast of Real Housewives from anywhere a tennis ball, and tell them there was a diamond inside.
One thing I dislike even more than soccer, are people who complain about something, without offering a solution.
So here's how to make the World Cup more watchable: get rid of the offside rule, allow tackling with arms, and let everyone use their hands. Done.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.