1. Use CBeebies and YouTube to virtually babysit your children
2. End up getting sucked in to said programmes... particularly the songs... which remain stuck in your head all day
3. Leave the house looking like a hobo. Most days.
4. Bore people with photos of your kids.
5. Say, "We'll see." About 75 times per week.
6. Ditto, "Maybe."
7. And, "In a minute."
8. Be completely ruled by their routine.
9. Sing to them in public (and maybe even dance).
10. Lose patience... and your marbles.
11. Bribe them.
12. Obsess over milestones.
13. Bemoan the lack of sleep (you just didn't know how hard it could be!).
14. Let your house be taken over by toys.
15. Take them to McDonalds (usually combined with number 10).
16. Use the Santa is watching threat... by October.
17. Use the Santa will take your presents back threat... by 29 December.
18. Lose hours online searching for blackout blinds to squeeze even a smidge more sleep from your offspring in the morning.
19. Serve chicken nuggets, regularly.
20. Eat their leftover chicken nuggets, regularly.
21. Resent mums with amazingly sleeping babies (but in your defence only if they show-off about it).
22. Spend silly amounts on baby gadgets to Help make your life easier.
23. Let your toddler commandeer your iPhone - and accidentally post to Facebook on your behalf (be careful what photos you have stored...).
24. Drive around in the car to get them to sleep. At night. In your pyjamas.
25. Distract by offer of biscuit, crisp or chocolate - without these things you have no power.
26. Whisk them to the Doctor for every little niggle (usually passes by the end of the first year, and definitely by the second child).
27. Buy 'expert' parent books - but feel too tired either to read them, or implement their practices.
28. Give in to fussy eating.
29. Share your bed with them when they are ill / teething / breaking into song during the night... foot in the face and head in the bladder anyone?.
30. Love them so deeply that you know the above doesn't actually matter... because you are everything they need... and likewise, they, you.