10/08/2016 09:08 BST | Updated 10/08/2017 06:12 BST

Muslim Fencer Wears a Hijab - You Won't Believe What Happens Next!

A Muslim woman made history by wearing a hijab at the Olympics, while representing (one of the) the greatest secular democracies on the planet, where nobody is whipped or imprisoned for immodest dressing.

Her exemplary courage in the face of freedom and liberal tolerance made headlines throughout the free world.

The International Olympic Committee has a horrific record of never persecuting women for not covering up. The committee was as indifferent to this brave act of rebellion as ever before.

One of the first to laud the fencer for her valour was Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

In a phenomenal display of mental gymnastics, Clinton attenuated the fencer's skill and achievement, by highlighting her religious attire instead - which may or may not have helped reduce the coefficient of friction while lunging for an Attaque au Fer - thereby circumlocutorily propounding the 'fervent Muslim' stereotype, in an attempt to score political points against a bigoted Republican opponent who has made stereotyping minorities an art-form; all within the confines of Twitter's 140 character limit!

When I got in touch with Hillary Clinton on her official Skype ID (thank you Snowden), routed through a private server, she had this to say:

"It is not enough to stand-up for a woman's right to choose whether or not to cover up, or simply defend her from being targeted by bigots for her choice. That's so classical liberal! In the postmodern world we must go nine steps beyond, and glorify a grody regalia of repression as empowering. We must bring about emancipation by endorsing the very cloth that has historically sought to prevent that emancipation."

In a world wherein 'native informants' like Asra Nomani and Mariyam Namazie are fighting for the millions who are forced to cover-up in Islamic theocracies, Clinton has forged her own path by defending those that are oppressed by the freedom to choose.

"Liberal, secular Muslims like Irshad Manji and Asra Nomani have ruined everything," Clinton complains. "By refusing to conform to the 'hijabi stereotype', these westernised Muslim women have made it impossible for Left-leaning white saviours to covertly milk this stereotype, in our heroic battle against stereotyping."

"How can we tacitly imply the superiority of white Western culture if these progressive brown reformists eradicate their native symbols of misogyny and oppression, that make us look superior in comparison?" Clinton demands. "The vast swaths of beer guzzling, non-observant, liberal Muslim Americans are no true Americans," she declares.

Hillary Clinton has vowed to retweet the archetypical American Hijabi Muslim Linda Sarsour at least three times a week, to show her unflinching support for the war against stereotyping.

Disclaimer:Satirical piece. All quotes attributed to Hillary Clinton are fictitious.