The government has announced controversial new plans for classes teaching grandmothers how to suck eggs.
“We know from speaking to the elderly, and from the demand for self-help books on egg-sucking, that many grandmothers would welcome guidance," said the government's Grannies' Minister, Sarah Teflon.
"Most grandmothers know how to ruffle their grandchildren's hair and give them decreasing amounts of money in their birthday cards each year," she added, "but very few actually know how to suck eggs."
The coalition plans to teach British grannies through a mixture of face-to-face and online classes, and vouchers will be issued by local supermarkets and grocery stores which they can redeem against the purchase of eggs.
If the scheme is successful, it may be extended to teaching old dogs new tricks.