Father Christmas, Rudolph, the baby Jesus, the Three Wise Men… Christmas, as with so many historical traditions, is just a little bit male skewed for our liking (unless you count the poor angel with a Christmas tree stuck up her bum).

So to redress the balance – and bring a feminine slant to the festivities – here is our pick of the best Christmas quotes, jokes and yuletide musings from our favourite funnywomen.

‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all...

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  • Sarah Millican

    "Some shows simply can’t do Christmas specials because the content isn’t appropriate. You couldn’t have Christmas 'Embarrassing Bodies', could you? It wouldn’t work: “It smells of eggnog and I don’t know why”.

  • Joan Rivers

    "The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."

  • Miranda Hart

    Christmas is... “Middle-class women becoming ridiculously competitive over how well prepared they are: ‘I make my mincemeat in August.’ ‘Really? I’m too busy with the cake in August.’ ‘Oh! Ha ha. I made my cake in 1985. Fifteen years and it matures to perfection. Amazed you’ve never tried it.’"

  • Tina Fey

    “I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Mary and Joseph did - traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there. You may end up sleeping on an old wicker couch with a dog licking your face while an Ab Rocket informercial plays in the background. It's a modern-day manger.”

  • Catherine Tate

    "Who's the bane of Santa's life?
 The elf and safety officer."

  • Lucy Beaumont

    "John asks his wife 'What do you want for Christmas, darling?' His wife replies, 'I don't know, surprise me.' John then waits till his wife has left the room, and when she re-enters he jumps out at her and screams "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, DARLING??'"

  • Phylis Diller

    "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

  • Pippa Evans

    "What did the policeman say to the turkey when he came out of the oven? I'm going to have to do a full cavity search."

  • Ruby Wax

    On Christmas gifts: "There is nothing more upsetting then buying someone a cashmere scarf and getting a candle. That is what you mean to them - a candle – a social leper. I usually wrap up the gifts each person gave me the year before with a card that says’ same to you’."

  • Isy Suttie

    "What's the difference between Christmas and Boxing Day? If you don't know, you're obviously not a Christian."

  • Shirley Temple

    "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

  • Zoe Lyons

    "Mary said to Joseph: 'Put the rubbish out love.' 'I can’t,' he replied. 'It’s Christmas – there’s no room in the bin.'

  • Gina Yashere

    On why she doesn't believe in Father Christmas at the Cracker Festival 2007.

  • Sarah Silverman

    An alternative Christmas song for Jewish girls.

  • Amy Poehler

    Talking to Ellen Degeneres on how she explains Christmas to her kids.