Boris Johnson has launched an audacious bid to break away from the United Kingdom and declare himself an independent country.
The London Mayor and prospective parliamentary candidate for Ruislip announced on Monday that after 50 years as a citizen of the Union, he had decided to hold a referendum on whether to leave the UK and become an independent state.
Johnson told reporters that he had mentally scheduled the vote to take place on February 25, 2017, and would likely decide on this “important point of national self-determination” whilst cycling across Chelsea Bridge.
Comparing his future independent self with the “Athenian democracy of Pericles”, Johnson quipped that he was expecting a “high voter turnout - 100%”.
When quizzed on why he would break away, Johnson said that he had come to resent being ruled by a Westminster government 6 miles away from his Islington home, and that he should be able to control his “own monetary policy” and “determine his own future as a proud, independent nation”.
“I already comply with EU laws and regulations,” said Boris, “so reapplying for membership should I leave the UK will be a formality”.
On matters of defence, Boris said he hoped to remain a member of Nato, though he was not prepared to have Trident missiles siloed in his garden shed.
“This piffle will all be sorted out in the 18 months between me voting for my own independence and the day I actually become independent,” said Johnson.
On the question of currency, Johnson said an independent Boris would sign a formal union with Britain allowing him to keep the pound.
When pushed on a backup plan should the Chancellor rule against a currency union, Johnson ignored the question and said he would sign a formal union with Britain allowing him to keep the pound
“I've appeared seven times on 'Have I Got News For You', I can probably run my own country,” said the Mayor, before reminding reporters that an independent Boris would be the 14th richest nation in the OECD.
"My first policy as a country would be a 3% reduction in corporation tax," he said, before belittled suggestions that the ageing population of an independent Boris would struggle with a budget deficit. "I have considerable oil reserves," he said.
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