tweet
"Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked."
"My 8yo singing Howareyouyeah instead of Hallelujah is the rewrite we all needed."
"I don’t need Pinterest school lunch ideas. I need 'Oh the bus is here' school lunch ideas."
"Rule #27 of marriage is clear: Dessert that is mine is only mine; dessert that is his is also mine."
"Please explain to me preteen boys and their fear of outerwear."
"My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream 'as a reward for existing,' and honestly? Valid."
"My mother-in-law’s kid is the worst one in my house to deal with."
"When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out."
"My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended"
"The smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try."