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EU Confirms Refugee Crisis 'Too Tricky' to Fix

14/03/2016 15:30 GMT | Updated 15/03/2017 09:12 GMT

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The EU has finally confirmed refugee crisis "too tricky" to fix and have paid off the Turkish mafia to do the job, to the relief of everyone.

After 15 minutes of extensive meetings, EU leaders unanimously concluded that the refugee crisis is "too tricky" to deal with and would be more efficiently handled by Erdogan's gang, the Turkish group most well-known for their commitment to genocide of the Kurds.

"We know Erdogan is a Nazi sympathiser who buys oil from ISIS but we feel if we squeeze everyone into Turkey and build a wall he will have a change of heart and build nice shelters for everyone, a bit like Hitler did for the Jews" said some president of one of the more racist Eastern European states.

It means that Brussels is finally free to move onto other more familiar matters such as the price of cheese and drawing up a shortlist for Cultural Village of the Year.

"Everyone kept coming to us asking for a few hundred euros to put up tents and provide first aid care but no one knew which department should pay for it. Thank God we can just throw ten times the cash at the Turks to work it out" explained Mario Ludicini, Head of Refugee Welfare, Frontex.

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Back home the news couldn't have come soon enough for the British public.

"I'm so relieved. I used to watch videos of bombs and feel worried about all the people dying but thank God everyone has agreed that muslims aren't actually people at all, even the children and the Christian ones." Carol Jones, Chiswick.

"Muslims are tricky" added Dave Williams from Rochdale. "I'm concerned that Christmas might become less Christmassy, a trend I've been following closely for years."

Europe is best known for the wheel, building Rome, the industrial revolution, inventing the internet and sending robots to comets but it is fair to say no one seriously believed this continent had the capacity to keep a few thousand homeless kids alive on her shores. Time to move on.

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All photo credits: Artur Tixiliski