THE BLOG

January Break-Ups: How to Cope With the Early Stages of a Break-Up or Divorce

09/01/2015 14:42 GMT | Updated 11/03/2015 09:59 GMT

There are numerous research studies out this month that show that January is the boom month for relationship break-ups. Apparently if you are married there is a one in five chance that you have considered breaking up this month.

For some it has been planned for January as they could not face breaking up before the festive period which is traditionally a time for families. I have already seen a spike in enquiries for my help, advice and support from people who have had the break-up thrust upon them by their ex and are trying to come to terms with what it all means and what happens next.

Having been through both a divorce and also total heartbreak after a two year relationship I am no stranger to how to deal with the ups and downs of breaking-up. I combine my own personal experience with 17 years of coaching and now help people all around the world to cope with the end of their relationships.

So what is the cold hard truth about what happens in the early days of separation? Is it really that bad? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it all doom and gloom. Just what can you expect over the next few weeks and months?

Well in the early days there is the denial and the grief that comes with losing someone close to you. You have been used to them being there to talk to and lean on and suddenly you find yourself facing life without them. It can feel extremely lonely and the change can be scary. Whilst the experience is an emotional one it can manifest itself as what feels like a real physical, and at times quite exquisite, pain.

However this phase will pass as you learn to replace the gap in your life with a different way of thinking. It is up to you to make the decision to take control back of your life and get back to being happy again. It may seem like an uphill struggle from where you are standing now but I assure you if you take little steps each day using my techniques you will get there sooner than you think.

You see even if you loved them more than anything and are looking back at all the wonderful parts of your relationship the truth is clear: they were not the right partner for you.

If they were they would still be with you and you would be happy and feel secure and loved in your relationship. So it is time to remove the rose tinted glasses and start to focus your mind on the less positive things about your relationship. Don't get carried away romanticising about the past - it's time to get a grip if you want to move forward quickly.

You may find it difficult when you find yourself doing things that you used to do together. A good way to relieve some of that pressure is to make some changes and do things differently. Simple things can make a big difference such as shopping in a different supermarket or driving a different way to work. It may be living in the same house on your own now is tricky for you so move the furniture around and put up new photos around the house. Start wearing a new colour or try out a different look.

Remember a break-up is not just the end of your relationship - it is also the start of a new phase in your life. Whilst there will be some highs and lows to deal with you also have the chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be. I work with my clients on writing a Bucket List of things that they can now do in their lives that they never thought they would be able to. Try it! Dream big and remember anything goes from travelling to Barbados, writing a book or even sex with someone new! It will help to get you excited about the future.

Take some time to work out what you want your new phase of life to look like and think about the areas you would like to change or improve on. Schedule in some fun too - you may not feel like laughing right now but laughter is a great medicine and even short bursts will boost your mood so plan in some things you enjoy doing.

I have released a brand new app this month called "7 Steps to a Better Break-Up" and it is free to download from App Store or Google Player. It talks you through how to cope with your break-up and how to keep moving forward and speed up your recovery process. If you take the time to work through the exercises you will end up with your personalised Action Plan which will help you to keep positive and maintain momentum with feeling better and creating a compelling future for yourself.

Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good upbeat friends and family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you even if it seems a long way off right now. Sadly there is no magic wand to take away all the pain immediately however there are things you can do to help feel better right now. By using my techniques and strategies you can speed up your recovery and start to see a brighter future for yourself becoming a reality.