UK
02/05/2014 14:59 BST | Updated 02/05/2014 15:59 BST

Ryanair Slammed In Epic Rant From Customer Branding Airline Staff 'Incompetent Gimps'

A disgruntled Ryanair customer has composed an epic rant against the airline after he claimed the incompetence of its staff caused him to miss a flight to his own wedding reception.

James Lockley’s near 2,000 word complaint has been shared more than 60,000 times on Facebook alone.

Lockley and his wife had been attempting to travel to Bratislava on 17 April but found their journey stymied by a mixture of delays, an attendant whose “brain fell apart like a wet cake” and another “so angry all his hair had literally fallen out.”

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Not a happy ending: James Lockley's diatribe against Ryanair has gone viral (file picture)

The rant can be read in full here – but we’ve pulled out the best bits for your enjoyment…

... Confused by this process of blame apportioning, another check in clerk, who we shall refer to as Not That Bright, tried to blame us for not responding to the last call for the flight as we should have made ourselves known. I argued that the last call had not been made. Not That Bright then questioned Vacant on whether she had done a final call. Vacant did what she does best and looked, well,…… After establishing that the child had not informed Vacant we were here, and Vacant had forgotten to do a last call and that all of this was irreversible, and my fault, Not That Bright and Vacant conferred to agree this was not a problem they wished to deal with and told us to get in a very, very long line of very, very unhappy people at the quite wrongly titled ‘Customer Services Counter’ as it was in fact a Customer Shouting Desk.

Lockley estimates that in total, the incident cost him £220 for new flights, £79 for a hotel, £50 for taxis to and from the airport and £35 for "the world's most expensive sandwich in the only hotel we could get."

SEE ALSO ‘F**k You, F**k You, F**k You': Ryanair Steward Screamed At Passenger Who Handed Back 'Overpriced' Snack

He also describes an encounter with "Middle Gimp" who seemed capable only of repeatedly barking the same phrase...

‘Why is this our fault, and why should we miss the flight because Ryan Air staff have admitted they made errors?.

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of communication failures with Ryan Air Staff?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘What colour are my trousers?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

‘My tinkle is hurting, could you take a look if I promise not to tell anyone?’

‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’

Lockley ends his diatribe with the summation:

So, our customer experience was insightful and liberating. From the incompetent Child with a brain so full of girls and Vauxhall Corsa modifications he couldn’t actually listen or speak, through Vacant and Not That Bright who decided on reflection that anything they did wrong was our fault for not pointing it out to them, right through Middle Gimp who made a Tasmanian Devil look calm and Zen like, and the sad one, oh so sad, having every last drop of life sucked out of her by her chosen career at the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk. I very nearly jumped over the desk just to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be alright if she could just muster the will to leave the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk and find a more fulfilling job, like starting the very first Israeli pork pie factory, or being a parking attendant in Tower Hamlets, or in fact just resigning herself to a slow and uncomfortable death would have been indistinguishable from the current position and would require much less effort.

Though he adds: “I sincerely doubt you will do anything about this, compensate us, apologise or even respond”, Huffington Post UK did approach the airline for comment.

A spokesman for the airline tells us: “We are aware of Mr Lockley’s complaint and have contacted him directly to address these issues.”

Over to you, Lockley.

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