How Kale Juice Affects Your Body In 60 Minutes

Little over a week ago health nuts and fizzy drink haters were tripping over themselves to share an alarming infographic that details what happens to your body one hour after drinking Coca Cola.

Now, they are getting a taste of their own medicine.

Satirical news site The Poke have created a step-by-step guide aimed at smug smoothie makers who look down on the not-so healthy people around them.

The effects of drinking local, sustainable, organic kale juice has been broken into 10 minute stages, much like the original Coca-Cola post.

And we think it's hilarious.

First 10 minutes: You are overcome with a sense of smug satisfaction. You didn’t just make a healthier choice than those fools drinking caffeinated, sugary beverages. You’re a better person.

20 minutes: Self righteousness begins to affect the left half of your brain, suppressing logic and store memory. “This organic kale was grown without pesticides,” you say, forgetting that “organic” doesn’t mean pesticide-free. Highly toxic pyrethrins, rotenone, and copper sulfate are all approved organic pesticides.

30 minutes: The smug begins to affect your hippocampus, a part of the brain essential to rational thought. “That Food Babe woman on the internet says you shouldn’t eat ingredients you can’t pronounce,” you think. Except, kale naturally contains hard to pronounce isothicyanate, neochlorogenic acid and many other carcinogens made by Mother Nature.

40 minutes: Sanctimony seeps into your prefrontal cortex, resulting in impaired reasoning. “Thanks goodness there’s no such thing as GMO kale!” Who cares that every reputable scientific body has found GMOs to be safe. You learned how bad they are from a clever Facebook infographic. Also, you now understand now NASA faked the moon landing.

50 minutes: Damage to your frontal lobe causes you to make absurd claims: “This kale came from a local farmer’s market and that means fewer food miles than food shipped across country.” By now, you’re completely oblivious to how local food production is often more wasteful and emits more pollutants than shipping food from places where it grows more efficiently.

60 minutes: You’re proud to be a freethinking nonconformist like all your friends who believe exactly the same things you do. Now, you have an insatiable desire to force everyone to drink local, organic kale juice too so they can be individualists like you.

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