London-based writer Joe Craig had a rather embarrassing encounter in Finchley recently, involving two people having sex in a car and a very awkward ending.
Oh, and he tweeted the entire thing.
I was walking my dog round East Finchley, late, two nights ago. Chasing foxes, that kind of thing. And I heard a noise.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I heard muffled screaming & saw the boot of a car rattling. Oh no, I thought - someone's trapped in the boot!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
It was a small hatchback. A renault clio, I think. But still big enough that someone could conceivably be trapped in the boot.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Couldn't see inside the car cos it was dark but as I got closer I was sure that there were screams coming from the boot. Urgent screams.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
My rushed up to the car, pulling my dog with me. The whole car was rattling. "I have to set this person free!" I thought. BUT...
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I have to do it quickly in case the person who's trapped them comes back. This is DANGEROUS but I am A HERO. My dog is too. Both heroes.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
In a swift, dynamic movement I flung open the boot of the car. The boot light came on. I was staring into the face of a woman!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
The woman was naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
On top of the woman was a man. Also naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
They'd put the back seats down & were lying the full length of the car, heads in the boot.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
The woman was clinging on to the boot, rattling it while she screamed. For very different reasons than the ones I had assumed from outside.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Except now she was no longer screaming, because she was looking up at me, horrified. As was the man. I was holding the boot open.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
What does one say in that situation?
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I'll tell you what I said. I said: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were trapped. Like a hostage. Because of the screaming and...
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
...the rattling. But I see now you don't need my help. Either of you. And that this is the good kind of screaming. Sorry. Do carry on."
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
It was words to that effect, anyway. I admit I babbled a bit. I didn't want them to think I was just a weirdo pervert bursting in on them.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I also wanted to offer a little encouragement.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Then I started to close the boot - carefully. I didn't want to trap anything. Unfortunately, my dog is very well trained...
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And my dog loves car journeys.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
So before I could close the boot, Harpo (my dog) did what he's been trained to do when someone opens the boot of a hatchback.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
My dog jumped into the boot. Sort of next-to (but mainly on-top-of) the faces of the two copulating strangers.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Now it was too late to close the boot. There was more screaming - but not the good kind.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Obviously I can't undo Harpo's training, so I said, "Good boy."
Which I think gave the wrong impression.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
After that I made a swift exit. I remembered to take the dog with me. I didn't wait around to hear more screaming & rattling.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And THAT is the funny thing that happened to me the other night, with my dog, in East Finchley.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Oh, the things this poor boy has seen/done/sat on/tasted. #harpopic.twitter.com/NOE4MFy5bp
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And the moral of this story - don't assume, of your dog might lick some copulating strangers.