(VERY SERIOUS) ANALYSIS
He'll be gone by Wednesday, they said.
Okay, wait, it's Wednesday now, so it can't be Wednesday. How about – raises licked finger into the breeze – before Jesus comes? Yes, that's when President Jacob Zuma will go.
Now that the matter of #Zexit is cleared up, can we go book tickets for "Black Panther" and live our best lives?
No? The whole country is waiting with bated breath and wants the exact date and time?
We'll have to consult the most reliable sources in the country, then.
For clarity, it's not Juju "the Guru" as everyone seems to think. The EFF's commander-of-breaking-news Julius Malema once told us with some confidence Zuma would be gone if the speaker of Parliament would permit a secret ballot.
Alas, Jacob of Nkandla still reigns, one cabinet reshuffle and a new ANC president later.
In the absence of politicians willing to talk and analysts that know more than you and me, let's instead consult the spiritual/magical experts, shall we?
Okay, so we propose a motion of no confidence in the Magic 8 Ball. Instead, let's flip uBaba's angel cards for the spiritual scoop on how his past decisions and present conundrums will shape his not-so-presidential future.
ZUMA'S PAST:
"Increase your standards, and expect more for yourself. Don't settle!"
Zuma's interpretation: "Increase your standard of living, build a palace. Expect more people to pretend absolutely nothing has gone wrong. Don't settle for anything less than a lucrative nuclear deal."
ZUMA'S PRESENT:
"Don't rush into action right now. Bide your time for better results".
Zuma's interpretation: "They will ask, beg, plead, negotiate, protest and pray for you to resign. There's no rush. The people love you and are grateful for the fruits of your leadership."
ZUMA'S FUTURE:
"You've prayed for help, so get out of the way and let heaven help you."
Zuma's interpretation: "I paid for help, so Cyril must get out of the way and let Shaun the Sheep help me."
South Africa's interpretation: "You paid for help, so get out of the presidency and let the criminal justice system help you."
We'll probably soon find out if the angels are correct. Don't hold your breath, though.