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A Few Useless Words of Advice for Students

I left it a 'bit late' till I realised that University was the only viable option left for me to spend my afternoons in bed and my early hours watching films I'd seen before and eating Rocky Road bites, but nevertheless, I'm here now and going into my second year at 23...

I left it a 'bit late' till I realised that University was the only viable option left for me to spend my afternoons in bed and my early hours watching films I'd seen before and eating Rocky Road bites, but nevertheless, I'm here now and going into my second year at 23.

My cousin on the other-hand is a little more focused, a little less partial to Rocky Road, and is starting as a Fresher in the week to come, at the less creepy age of 18/19; And so to wish him well, and the rest of you, I wrote a few pieces of advice that I learned over my first year:

You should pay the same for wine as you do for milk. It will keep for longer, will be more of a comfort to you, has fruit in it, can be drank warm if needs be, and should under no circumstances, ever, be drank from stemware.

Mugs are your friends.

Every shop you do, buy yourself some own brand noodles. Even if they begin to stockpile and you worry that your flatmates will begin to think you're a bit odd or preparing for a nuclear holocaust; Keep it up. Noodles are actually a tradable commodity in student halls.

Have a Berocca a day.

If there's one thing that can be said for Nigel Farage, it's that he always buys his round. Always buy your round. Even if you won't have any money till Friday and today is Tuesday. People won't let you go hungry if you've bought them a drink, and you have your noodles to fall back on.

Never take any advice that sounds like it should be written on a T-shirt or a mug. Ever.

Nobody ever made any friends by staying in bed and in their pyjamas all the live-long-day (But they did make friends by having the snazziest pyjamas...think Snakes and Ladders, or Rockets).

Do your work the week it is set. This is the old-chestnut that you'll definitely ignore, because you're stupid - but it's also the chestnut that means you get to sleep, or go out, the night before deadlines. (That said, you'll learn that the only people who actually do this are not worth knowing, and all the people you could go out and drink with, with your well-managed free time, are actually too busy doing the work they forgot to do - so maybe it's not worth it).

Read.

Never use the words 'slut' or 'slag', even in jest. Just do not. It's unpleasant and unattractive (even if you spot a real tart).

Own at least one