Anyone who’s ever been cheated on knows the destruction it can leave behind: it can damage your self-esteem, make you swear off future relationships and sometimes, leave you questioning what you did wrong.
A new study has confirmed what so many of us already knew: being cheated on affects our mental health and can cause “emotional and psychological distress”.
But the research also highlights that our attribution of blame - whether we blame ourselves for a partner straying or blame the partner - impacts our behaviour.
Those who blamed themselves were found to be more likely to engage in “risky health behaviours”, such as drug and alcohol abuse or disordered eating.
Open Image Modal
Martin Dimitrov via Getty Images
Researchers from the University of Nevada surveyed more than 230 students who had been cheated on within the past three months, either by an ex or current partner.
The participants had an average relationship length of 1.76 years.
The team found that being cheated on was linked to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and said “people who experienced more emotional and psychological distress after being cheated on engaged in more risky behaviours”.
“They were more likely to eat less or not eat at all, use alcohol or marijuana more often, have sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or over-exercise,” study author M. Rosie Shrout told Psypost.
“Being cheated on seems to not only have mental health consequences, but also increases risky behaviours.”
The researchers also found that people who blamed themselves for their partner cheating - such as feeling like it was their fault or that they could have stopped it - were more likely to engage in risky behaviours.
They found that these effects were stronger for women than men.
Shrout added: “This gender difference is consistent with previous research showing that women experience more distress after being cheated on. We think this is because women typically place higher importance on the relationship as a source of self and identity. As a result, women who have been cheated on might be more likely to have poorer mental health and engage in unhealthy, risky behaviour because their self-perceptions have been damaged.”
The researchers noted that the majority of the study participants were young, with an average age of 20, so more research is needed to see if the findings are consistent with older people in relationships.
But one thing is clear from the study: we need to stop blaming ourselves when other people cheat. Cheating is down to the perpetrator and learning to recognise that could improve your physical and mental health.
Useful websites and helplines:
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393
Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill.)
Get Connected is a free advice service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email: help@getconnected.org.uk
Bad Relationship Habits
Thinking Negatively(01 of11)
Open Image Modal
"Ask yourself one key question, can I assume positive intent when it comes to this person?” says holistic coach Ekene Onu. This matters because in most good relationships, the answer is yes — and changing your mindset to consider that can provide you with needed perspective. "Even when your partner does something that impacts you negatively, if you can assume positive intent then your approach to conflict resolution will likely be different because you know that they didn't intend to hurt you,” she says. (credit:Tetra Images via Getty Images)
Laying Blame(02 of11)
Open Image Modal
Constantly looking for someone to blame in the relationship when things go wrong can really add a negative tone to your interactions over time. "Instead of blaming your partner for something you don't like or upsets you, try a softer approach like saying, 'I feel upset or hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor after I told you that bothers me,’” says psychotherapist Jessica Marchena. “You can also say, 'I feel unheard and my feelings don't matter to you.’" (credit:Jupiterimages, Brand X Pictures via Getty Images)
Waking Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed(03 of11)
Open Image Modal
Make an effort to start the day off on a positive note by avoiding morning nagging and arguing, says blogger Surabhi Surendra. "Morning is the most important time of the day and thus if spent peacefully and in a loving, thankful way can lead to a peaceful, happy day,” she says. (credit:Picturenet via Getty Images)
No Longer Sharing Your Dreams(04 of11)
Open Image Modal
Couples often share their dreams with each other in their early days, Onu says, but don’t necessarily keep that up over the years. They might stop for a variety of reasons, big and small — but continuing to picture your partner in your future dreams can help you keep him or her in your resent, she says. (credit:Betsie Van Der Meer via Getty Images)
Becoming Complacent(05 of11)
Open Image Modal
It’s natural that after a long period of time together, you fall into a day-to-day routine. And when we all live such busy lives, it can be hard to break from the regular cycle of work-kids-housework-repeat. But that can lead couples to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. "You can repair this issue by setting goals together for you as a romantic couple,” says relationship coach Ravid Yosef. “Try date nights, holding each other while watching TV, sitting down for dinner and speaking to each other — kid-free, logistics-free talk time or doing things you love doing together." (credit:MaxRiesgo via Getty Images)
Never Saying 'I Love You'(06 of11)
Open Image Modal
Never saying “I love you”: Making a point of sharing your feelings, even briefly, can be a good reminder to you and your partner of why you’re in for the long haul when things are tough day to day. "This builds emotional connection,” says Marchena. "Even sending an 'I love you' text lets your mate know that you are thinking of them." (credit:Barbara Penoyar via Getty Images)
Cutting Out The Kisses(07 of11)
Open Image Modal
It’s easy for little gestures like hugs and kisses to slowly fall out of a relationship, but they’re important to hold on to because they can help maintain your intimacy in small ways when life is busy. "I have been married for more than six years and we still begin our mornings either with a kiss or a hug,” Surendra says. "Nothing can beat this daily ritual." (credit:Halfdark via Getty Images)
Always Being (Digitally) Connected(08 of11)
Open Image Modal
Just making a point of spending time together that doesn’t involve screens can increase you emotional connection by giving you more opportunities to really talk, or to cuddle without phones and laptops in the way. "Put the phone down after a certain time and do something together, even if it is just watching TV or a movie,” Marchena says. "And also make a rule that there are to be no screens at the dinner table. Or cuddle and be together without the screens." (credit:mediaphotos via Getty Images)
Doing Everything Separately(09 of11)
Open Image Modal
"Shared experiences bond partners,” Onu says. You don’t have to do everything together — but if the only experiences you share are the mundane ones of running your household, then you’re missing out on a simple way to grow your bond as a couple. "Make an effort to have more shared experiences than not,” Onu suggests. “It gives you something to remember when things get tough.” Getting back to that can be as simple as scheduling a regular date night, signing up for a class together, or planning a vacation with just the two of you. (credit:DavidsAdventures via Getty Images)
Living In The Past(10 of11)
Open Image Modal
"We're neurologically programmed to predict the future based on our past,” says Yosef, "and so we make a lot of assumptions about how our partner feels and how they will react instead of actually acknowledging what's happening in the moment and dealing with it appropriately.” Take the time to be mindful of your thoughts and what is really behind them before you just run on them based on past behaviour in your relationships or assumptions about your partner’s intentions. “Ask yourself, is this a feeling or a fact?” she says. (credit:Daniel Laflor via Getty Images)
Never Looking Inward(11 of11)
Open Image Modal
"Self awareness is a powerful tool of success in every area of life — particularly in relationships,” Onu says. Take some time to think about who you are and what you need from a relationship. For example, are you an introvert who needs regular alone time to recharge and bring your best self to your partner? Knowing things like that can help your relationship by making it easier to explain your needs to your partner, or to understand theirs. (credit:Jupiterimages via Getty Images)