Forget every gender stereotype you’ve ever heard because the secret to making sex more enjoyable for both women and men is romance, according to new research.
A study by Indiana University School of Public Health and the Centre for Sexual Health Promotion has found affectionate cuddling and kissing can lead to fireworks.
The researchers surveyed men and women about their preferences of sexual behaviours to gather their results.
“Contrary to some stereotypes, the most appealing behaviours, even for men, are romantic and affectionate behaviours,” Professor Debby Herbenick, lead author on the study said.
“These included kissing more often during sex, cuddling, saying sweet/romantic things during sex, making the room feel romantic in preparation for sex, and so on.”
AleksandarNakic via Getty Images
The paper, published in the journal PLOS One, highlights results from the Sexual Exploration in America Study, in which a sample of American adults were asked whether they have engaged in more than 30 sexual behaviours.
In addition, researchers investigated the level of appeal of nearly 50 sexual behaviours.
The researchers found that in the more than 2,000 men and women who completed the survey, many have engaged in a wide variety of behaviours and that some are fairly common.
The researchers also noted that, although many men and women rated a range of sexual behaviours as appealing and may have tried them in the distant past, fewer engaged in them in the past month or year.
“These data highlight opportunities for couples to talk more openly with one another about their sexual desires and interests,” said Professor Herbenick.
“Together they may find new ways of being romantic or sexual with one another, enhancing both their sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness.”
10 Tips For First-Time Sex
Decide What Sex Actually Means To You(01 of35)
"The main reason why first-time sex goes wrong is that the sex itself means different things to each person,” sex therapist Vanessa Marin says. "One person might be thinking that having sex means they're now in a monogamous relationship, while the other might be thinking it's simply a fun new experience to share with each other.” Make sure you’re on the same page about your relationship status, she suggested, whatever that page is. You don’t need to have a serious, drawn-out talk if neither of you wants or needs that — just check in. (credit:Shutterstock)
Talk Before You Get Naked(02 of35)
If you do this relationship status update, whether it’s a longer talk or a quick check, do it before things get hot and heavy. "It's much harder to make thoughtful decisions when half of your clothes are off!” Marin says. (credit:Shutterstock)
Don't Be Ashamed If It's Your First Time Ever(03 of35)
Marin says she’s had many clients who ask her if they should tell their partner about their virginity. "A lot of people feel embarrassed about being virgins, especially if they're adults,” she says — but there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Marin recommends going with the honest approach, and talking to your partner about expectations. Do you want it to be romantic? Do you just want to get it over with? Something in between? "It's your prerogative to decide what your virginity means to you,” she says. "Just make sure you communicate what your desires are to your partner." (credit:Shutterstock)
Embrace Your Nervousness(04 of35)
If you feel nervous, know that’s totally normal, and that acknowledging that nervousness, whether it’s just to yourself or to your partner, can actually help. You can either say something quietly to yourself in your head to acknowledge the feelings, Marin suggests, or something to your partner if you feel like it. Either way, know that it’s not weird to have nerves! (credit:Shutterstock)
But Know When It's More Than Nerves(05 of35)
While nervousness is normal, feelings like intense fear, nervousness, or anxiety could be a sign of something more — perhaps that you aren’t ready yet for sex with this partner. "Don't ignore your feelings,” Marin says. “They’re usually there for a reason." (credit:Shutterstock)
Make It Special(06 of35)
There’s nothing wrong with wanting your first time with someone to be meaningful, and working to make it so. "If you're in a relationship that is already serious and romantic, it makes more sense to try to make your first time with each other special,” Marin says. "Have a date beforehand, put on some music that you know you both like, and light a candle or two." (credit:Shutterstock)
Don't Set Your Expectations Too High(07 of35)
First-time sex, whether it’s your first time ever or just your first time with each other, usually involves some awkwardness. Embrace it! "If your relationship is casual, and you spend a lot of time and effort setting the mood for the first time, you might be setting yourself up for more awkwardness,” Marin says. "Make a few jokes, acknowledge the awkwardness, then try to enjoy your time together." (credit:Shutterstock)
Have A Little Fun(08 of35)
"The best 'first time' sex I've heard about was when both parties didn't take it too seriously and were a little playful with each other,” Marin says. Don’t be afraid to laugh! After all, sex is supposed to be fun. (credit:Shutterstock)
Keep It Vanilla For A Bit(09 of35)
Have a particular kink or fantasy you enjoy during sex? Unless you know your partner shares it — i.e. you met through a related group or community — you might want to wait to get comfortable with each other sexually before you explore further. "I recommend that couples hold off on discussing kinks and fantasies for a little bit,” Marin says. "If you set up too many guidelines and expectations for your first time, you're going to put a lot of pressure on yourselves. New couples need time to get to know each others bodies and figure out how they work together.” Sharing your deepest-held fantasies can be very vulnerable — it’s okay to wait until you feel more comfortable with each other sexually before you take that step. (credit:LyndaSanchez/Flickr)
Know That The Best Is Yet To Come(10 of35)
First-time sex is generally kind of awkward and not always that fantastic, Marin says. It’s important to keep your expectations in check, and to relieve yourself of any pressure to make things perfect. And remember: just because sex together for the first time isn’t great, that doesn’t mean that’s how it’ll stay! (credit:Shutterstock)
(11 of35)
Myth: You Must Orgasm To Be Satisfied(12 of35)
Truth: "Sometimes sexual interaction does not produce an orgasm and that is perfectly fine. It is not a sign of failure if you don’t have an orgasm or if your partner doesn’t have an orgasm," says Barbara Lee, author of Sacred Sex: Replacing the Marriage Ethic with a Sexual Ethic. She notes stress, health issues, sleepiness or even an unexpected leg cramp can all act as deterrents to a sexual climax.“Don’t believe the myth and fake an orgasm,” Lee says. “If you are too concerned about how you or your partner ‘performs’ then you are not spending enough time relaxing, being authentic and enjoying yourself.”
Myth: Men Are Always In The Mood(13 of35)
Truth: "Men are not sex machines in perpetual motion just waiting for their next opportunity to engage and explode," Lee says. "A man’s sexual desire has a lot to do with his own sense of self-worth, his emotional state and his comfort with his partner." So if your partner is male, don't expect him to jump into bed whenever you want — and more importantly, don't take it personally either.
Myth: No One Wants To Be Caught Cheating(14 of35)
Truth: According to Lee, many people — and especially women — have affairs because they want to be caught. "They want the affair to call attention to the problems in the marriage, to be the catalyst that ends the marriage so that they can move on," she explains. And then there's the safety net aspect — sometimes people want to know they'll have a new relationship before they can leave an unhappy one.
Myth: Affairs Break Up Marriages(15 of35)
Truth: Affairs don't create problems, they call attention to them. "Affairs are what people do when they are unable, for whatever reason, to deal directly with the problems they are having with their partner," Lee says. And it provides the hurt person with an enemy. "When two people are having difficulties, an affair allows them to 'blame' the cheating partner or even the third party."
Myth: Sex Addiction Is All About Sex(16 of35)
Truth: "Sex addiction is not so much about sex as it is about unresolved issues within the individual," Lee notes. "There are generally underlying issues of shame and lack of self-worth that fuel a need for outside affirmation." Continuing to shame the person for their problem could only exacerbate it, so instead, she recommends talking about it non-judgmentally and finding help for it together.
Myth: People Stop Having Sex As They Age(17 of35)
Truth: "As baby boomers age, they are not inclined to let society dictate their sexual lives and people are staying active well into their golden years," Lee says. In fact, a bigger concern is the outbreak of sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs) in assisted living facilities where condoms are not required to prevent pregnancy.
Myth: People With Disabilities Don’t Have Sex Drives(18 of35)
Truth: "Most people with physical disabilities still need to experience the joy of sexuality, even if they are not able to achieve orgasm," Lee explains. Even simple things like skin against skin, or giving your partner an orgasm, could give them pleasure. Lee does warn against the possibility of abuse and manipulation for those with developmental and cognitive disabilities, but they should also be able to express their sexuality in a safe space.
Myth: Men And Women Reach Their Sexual Peak At Different Ages(19 of35)
Truth: Men do reach their highest testosterone level around 18 and women reach their highest estrogen level in their late 20s, but there's a difference between that and a sexual peak, says Lee. "We are in our sexual prime when we feel the most comfortable having sex. This happens when we feel good about ourselves, our bodies and our relationship." Believing this stereotype can delay sexual peak by making men feeling pressured into accumulating a lot of sexual experience early and making women feel pressured into feeling they cannot express their sexuality when they are young.
Myth: People Stop Masturbating When They Are In A Relationship(20 of35)
Truth: "Almost everyone masturbates, even when they have a sexual partner," Lee says. "Masturbation is the first sexual act most of us experience, and most of us continue the practice into adulthood and throughout our lives." Lee believes it's actual important to our sexual education, as masturbation helps us learn what feels good to us, and share that with our partner and make sex even better.
Myth: Needing A Vibrator Is A Sign Of Sexual Problems(21 of35)
Truth: "A vibrator is the most common sex toy and many women need the direct, intense stimulation a vibrator provides in order to orgasm. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with the woman or with her partner," Lee says. "Some women can orgasm without a vibrator but it takes a longer time and they prefer to reach their climax without feeling they need to put in so much effort." And as she reminds people, a vibrator can only do one thing. A partner is still needed for kissing, holding, fondling and expressing your desire.
Myth: Everyone Is A Sexual Being(22 of35)
Truth: "This is a myth I've have perpetuated," admits Lee. "But we are learning that some people are asexual and that this is not an illness, a disorder or a deficit, but rather, a sexual orientation. They simply have no interest in sex and feel no sexual desire." Asexual people may still be romantically attracted to others.
(23 of35)
Aries: The Ram (March 21 to April 19)(24 of35)
Aries are considered strong-willed perfectionists who have high expectations for themselves and others. If sex is beginning to feel too planned and perfect for you or your Aries partner, try this exercise suggested by Marin: have each partner write down everything they’d be willing to try in the bedroom, including things they’ve done before and ones they haven’t. Put each activity on a separate slip of paper, throw all the slips into a jar, then pluck one out and do what it says. "This fun exercise will help you break out of your preconceived and preplanned notions of sex,” Marin says.
Taurus: The Bull (April 20 to May 20) (25 of35)
Just like a real bull, Taurus lovers can be stubborn. "Let go of your stubbornness by allowing your partner be in complete charge during a sexual interaction,” Marin says for people who struggle with their stubborn nature. "Let them decide what you do and when you do it."
Gemini: The Twins (May 21 to June 20)(26 of35)
The twins represent the dual nature of Gemini personalities, which can be frustrating. However, the plus of this sign is that Geminis can be great communicators, says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex. Considering they love to talk things out, dirty talk can be the key to satisfaction for this sign. "Send your partner teasing sexts all day long, building up the anticipation,” Marin says. "Keep talking once you're actually together. Describe exactly what you're about to do to your partner, and tell them how your body feels in graphic detail."
Cancer: The Crab (June 21 to July 22)(27 of35)
More like Cancer the crabby, sometimes this sign craves stability and is ruled by gut feelings. They can often be moody. The next time you or your Cancer partner is feeling blue, try some sexual healing. "The rush of hormones that accompanies sex and orgasm has been proven to improve people's moods,” Marin says. "The next time you're feeling in a funk, try some sexy therapy."
Leo: The Lion (July 23 to Aug. 22) (28 of35)
This bold sign loves the spotlight, but is also loving and generous. Leos can take advantage of their flare for the dramatic in the bedroom by trying out some role playing, Marin says. "You can elevate a simple doctor-patient fantasy to an entirely new level by really digging into your character.”
Virgo: The Virgin (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)(29 of35)
Virgos are focused and analytical, and tend to keep their emotions inward — sometimes tough qualities to have in a lover. But you can bring that mental focus into lovemaking, Marin says. "A fun way to incorporate your brain into your sex life is to play 'Hot and Cold' with your partner. Have them kiss all over your body, and tell them when they're getting 'warmer' and 'colder.'"
Libra: The Scales (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)(30 of35)
Justice holding the scales symbolizes Libra, a sign obsessed with balance and fairness. They focus more on the mental than the physical, and love to surround themselves with beautiful things. "If you're a visual person, try keeping the lights on during sex, or having daytime sex,” Marin notes. "So many people have sex in pitch darkness, which takes away the fun visual element."
Scorpio: The Scorpion (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)(31 of35)
Scorpios feel things deeply, even if they can sometimes sting with their words. If you want to take advantage of that passionate and emotional mindset, Marin suggests missionary sex, which involves a lot of eye contact with your partner.
Sagittarius: The Centaur (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)(32 of35)
These sharp, energetic people are always looking for reinvention and like to wander. Keep things exciting and interesting by bringing in new activities regularly. Enjoy some well-written erotica together, or visit a sex shop and each pick something to surprise the other with.
Capricorn: The Goat (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) (33 of35)
Goats love to have a plan, and are great at putting an evening together. But Marin says they also keep their feelings close to the vest. Be patient when it comes to sharing fantasies, and give Caps the lead on researching something fun for you to try together.
Aquarius: The Water Bearer (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)(34 of35)
Aquarians are known for being unorthodox and unconventional, which can translate to a lot of fun in the bedroom. "Play up your adventurous side and try exploring some kink,” Marin says. If it’s new to you, a blindfold is a fun way to start, and if you want to explore further, visit an adult store and look into your many options for spicing things up.
Pisces: The Fish (Feb. 19 by March 20)(35 of35)
This insightful, emotional sign is selfless to a fault, which can unfortunately translate into unmet needs in the bedroom. If your partner is a Pisces, take the time to find out what he or she really wants and put the focus on those needs. If you’re a Pisces, work to make your desires heard and met in the bedroom, even if it goes against your nature. You’ll be glad you did!