Knowing when to say “I love you” for the first time in a relationship can be a minefield, as one Mumset user recently discovered.
The woman wrote on the forum asking others when they first said “I love you”, after feeling like the right time was approaching with her partner.
She received a mix of responses, ranging from two weeks to six months.
Relate counsellor Barbara Bloomfield told HuffPost UK it’s not unusual to feel anxious about when to tell another person we love them.
“We may fear rejection and worry that we won’t hear the same words back,” she said.
“If somebody says it too early, particularly if we have a fear of commitment or aren’t sure about the relationship, then it can sometimes put people off.”
So when is the best time to drop those three little words?
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According to Bloomfield, love means different things to different people “and we all express our love in different ways”.
“Sometimes we may not say to our partner that we love them but we may show it through our actions,” she said.
“Often you can trace back people’s attitudes to expressing their love to their family of origin.”
On the whole, Relate encourage people to talk openly about their feelings.
“Times when you might want to hold back are if you’re already in a relationship with somebody else or the person who you love is,” Bloomfield said.
“It may help to think about why you’re wanting to say it. Are you saying it because you’re feeling needy and insecure? This may not be the best motivation.”
She added that there is no set timeline for when you should express your love for someone else.
“But if you’re feeling positive and full of love then it can be a wonderful thing to share,” she said.
“Try to look at your unique situation and decide what’s right for you. Consider how serious your relationship with that person is, how they might take it and any possible repercussions.
“But when it comes to expressing your love for another person, try not to overthink it. On the whole if you feel love and your motivations are good, then say it.”
However, Gay Times columnist and dating blogger The Guyliner believes saying ‘I love you’ can be overrated.
“I don’t necessarily think you should have to say it at all. Thinking there’s an ideal time or stage in a relationship makes it sound like a mechanical process rather than an insatiable urge, driven by emotion, passion and comfort,” he told HuffPost UK.
“I’m wary of people who consider saying ‘I love you’ to be a big deal – it usually implies it means nothing at all to them. I prefer my ‘I love yous’ to come from how I act, not what I say.
“And if they love you back, you’ll know. No big speeches necessary...But don’t say it right after sex. Nobody ever believes that one.”
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that if you don’t receive the response you’re looking for after saying “I love you”, it doesn’t reflect on you as a person.
“If they don’t say it back then try not to take it personally,” Bloomfield said.
“It may have much more to do with them than with you.”
Bad Relationship Habits
Thinking Negatively(01 of11)
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"Ask yourself one key question, can I assume positive intent when it comes to this person?” says holistic coach Ekene Onu. This matters because in most good relationships, the answer is yes — and changing your mindset to consider that can provide you with needed perspective. "Even when your partner does something that impacts you negatively, if you can assume positive intent then your approach to conflict resolution will likely be different because you know that they didn't intend to hurt you,” she says. (credit:Tetra Images via Getty Images)
Laying Blame(02 of11)
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Constantly looking for someone to blame in the relationship when things go wrong can really add a negative tone to your interactions over time. "Instead of blaming your partner for something you don't like or upsets you, try a softer approach like saying, 'I feel upset or hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor after I told you that bothers me,’” says psychotherapist Jessica Marchena. “You can also say, 'I feel unheard and my feelings don't matter to you.’" (credit:Jupiterimages, Brand X Pictures via Getty Images)
Waking Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed(03 of11)
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Make an effort to start the day off on a positive note by avoiding morning nagging and arguing, says blogger Surabhi Surendra. "Morning is the most important time of the day and thus if spent peacefully and in a loving, thankful way can lead to a peaceful, happy day,” she says. (credit:Picturenet via Getty Images)
No Longer Sharing Your Dreams(04 of11)
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Couples often share their dreams with each other in their early days, Onu says, but don’t necessarily keep that up over the years. They might stop for a variety of reasons, big and small — but continuing to picture your partner in your future dreams can help you keep him or her in your resent, she says. (credit:Betsie Van Der Meer via Getty Images)
Becoming Complacent(05 of11)
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It’s natural that after a long period of time together, you fall into a day-to-day routine. And when we all live such busy lives, it can be hard to break from the regular cycle of work-kids-housework-repeat. But that can lead couples to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. "You can repair this issue by setting goals together for you as a romantic couple,” says relationship coach Ravid Yosef. “Try date nights, holding each other while watching TV, sitting down for dinner and speaking to each other — kid-free, logistics-free talk time or doing things you love doing together." (credit:MaxRiesgo via Getty Images)
Never Saying 'I Love You'(06 of11)
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Never saying “I love you”: Making a point of sharing your feelings, even briefly, can be a good reminder to you and your partner of why you’re in for the long haul when things are tough day to day. "This builds emotional connection,” says Marchena. "Even sending an 'I love you' text lets your mate know that you are thinking of them." (credit:Barbara Penoyar via Getty Images)
Cutting Out The Kisses(07 of11)
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It’s easy for little gestures like hugs and kisses to slowly fall out of a relationship, but they’re important to hold on to because they can help maintain your intimacy in small ways when life is busy. "I have been married for more than six years and we still begin our mornings either with a kiss or a hug,” Surendra says. "Nothing can beat this daily ritual." (credit:Halfdark via Getty Images)
Always Being (Digitally) Connected(08 of11)
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Just making a point of spending time together that doesn’t involve screens can increase you emotional connection by giving you more opportunities to really talk, or to cuddle without phones and laptops in the way. "Put the phone down after a certain time and do something together, even if it is just watching TV or a movie,” Marchena says. "And also make a rule that there are to be no screens at the dinner table. Or cuddle and be together without the screens." (credit:mediaphotos via Getty Images)
Doing Everything Separately(09 of11)
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"Shared experiences bond partners,” Onu says. You don’t have to do everything together — but if the only experiences you share are the mundane ones of running your household, then you’re missing out on a simple way to grow your bond as a couple. "Make an effort to have more shared experiences than not,” Onu suggests. “It gives you something to remember when things get tough.” Getting back to that can be as simple as scheduling a regular date night, signing up for a class together, or planning a vacation with just the two of you. (credit:DavidsAdventures via Getty Images)
Living In The Past(10 of11)
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"We're neurologically programmed to predict the future based on our past,” says Yosef, "and so we make a lot of assumptions about how our partner feels and how they will react instead of actually acknowledging what's happening in the moment and dealing with it appropriately.” Take the time to be mindful of your thoughts and what is really behind them before you just run on them based on past behaviour in your relationships or assumptions about your partner’s intentions. “Ask yourself, is this a feeling or a fact?” she says. (credit:Daniel Laflor via Getty Images)
Never Looking Inward(11 of11)
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"Self awareness is a powerful tool of success in every area of life — particularly in relationships,” Onu says. Take some time to think about who you are and what you need from a relationship. For example, are you an introvert who needs regular alone time to recharge and bring your best self to your partner? Knowing things like that can help your relationship by making it easier to explain your needs to your partner, or to understand theirs. (credit:Jupiterimages via Getty Images)