09/02/2017 06:58 GMT | Updated 10/02/2018 05:12 GMT

24 Things Friends Need To Know When They Next See Us

Getty Images

Remember what we were like before our baby? Fun, spontaneous, up for a drink, probably awake? Well forget all that. We are now over-tired, under-fed, vaguely with it parentals.

Yet you want to come and visit us, or have insisted we come to yours, anyway. To see the baby. I get it.

Regardless of who is visiting who, you need to know the following:

We're visiting you? 16 things you should know and accept:

1. He's going to shit himself at some point in your house. Possibly to leakage levels, inevitably to social indecency levels

2. One of us will be emotional

3. The stay at home parent has not slept in 2017. The working one caught some sleep about a week ago...

4. Annoyed the baby is 3 months old and it's your first visit? The entire world wants to come round! Three months is priority status!

5. We will be bringing enough kit to cover off all possibilities, in numerous annoyingly small and overflowing bags

6. We will dominate your living room, bathroom and one of your bedrooms. Get over it

7. The baby will cry hysterically. Warn your neighbours

8. We slightly resent you for adding 'an activity' to our unstructured life

9. One of us is likely to fall asleep mid conversation. It might be your chat, but is probably our over tiredness.

10. It's your house, but this is all about us and the baby. Get over it

11. It's taken days of planning for us to make this trip

12. And hours of execution. We live 20 minutes away, but we started preparing to leave two hours before leaving

13. But we'll still be late, blaming the baby. Roll with the excuses and never question or judge them

14. Never EVER say it looks easy, or suggest 'a better way' of doing something. You will be hated

15. Every topic of conversation will tangent to the baby. EVERY TOPIC!

16. We look fantastic considering...DON'T WE!!!

Visiting my baby? 8 things you need to know, do and bring:

1. Bring food. Preferably ready to eat, or at worst super easy to prepare (microwave, removing a lid, possibly putting on a plate)

2. And your washing up skills

3. You WILL take the baby. Staying longer than an hour? See you later, we're going to sleep. Not staying long? Hold him whilst we wee, stretch, clean off sick from ourselves and recoil from him for a bit.

4. The ability to do household chores. Please hoover my house

5. Low expectations for coherent conversation

6. Rose tinted glasses. Yes, he's spotty and looks like Doug Stamper from House of a Cards, but you tell my wife he is gorgeous or you're coming off the Christmas card list...!

7. Baby whispering super powers. PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP CRYING!!!!

8. And if you see boob, roll with it

The Debut Dad: 1st time Dad to a four week old...and with no clue what I'm doing


Twitter: @The_DebutDad

Instagram: TheDebutDad