07/01/2014 07:49 GMT | Updated 08/03/2014 05:59 GMT

From Hot Choc to Pet Monks: New Year Detox Madness

I'm writing this fuelled by a mammoth jar of Montezuma dark chocolate buttons, packed full of bonny antioxidants. But what else can one do to be healthy in the year 2014? After navigating the sea of New Year detox advice, I fished out the following:

1. Pet Monk app - dispel toxic thoughts with the help of a saffron-robed figure in a cave surrounded by candles (as viewed by my Kindle). Unlike Tamagotchis, this pet doesn't need to be fed or nurtured. Simply tap him when you're feeling stressed/unfocused and he'll meditate for you.

2. Clean Gut by Alejandro Junger. This LA doc's tome about avoiding disease by eating the right diet has been a hit with the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow (see below) and Donna Karan. But however much you flush your colon with water and other cleansing tonics, it'll soon be full of shit again, because that's what it's for.

3. Water fasting - NOT an extreme aqua sport but five whole days existing purely on water. Take your pick from filtered, bath, ice, snow, rain (there's a lot of it about).

4. Buzzfeed's anti-Supersize Me McDonald's diet: 'A Science Teacher Lost 37 Pounds After Eating Nothing But McDonald's' brags the tabloid of the social web. Strange then that Mr Cisna concludes: 'I can eat any food at McDonald's I want as long as I'm smart for the rest of the day with what I balance it out with.' While his students scoured the menu to provide 'Sir' with a 'nutritionally balanced' 2000-calorie diet, Cisna was pacing the streets for 45 minutes a day. Tasteless.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow's Peppermint Hot Chocolate was mauled by the Daily Mail for it's hideous list of costly ingredients: £50 worth of almond butter, mint flavoured liquid chlorophyl, spirulina powder, coconut cream, and chocolate flavoured protein powder. Personally I'd rather spend the dosh on a yoga class, followed by a humbug and a lush Italian-style hot chocolate from Crouch End's cosiest cafe The Haberdashery - so thick it can be eaten with a spoon. HEAVEN.