THE BLOG
24/10/2013 13:52 BST | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

Five Reasons You Are Still Single

Do you want a relationship and can't understand why you are still single? Do you go on dates but haven't met the ideal one? Or do you have relationships but they don't end in marriage or commitment? Do you complain to friends and point the finger of blame on everyone else?

Guess what? That's how I used to be!

Then, one day I was having coffee with a friend moaning about being single and she said: "Perhaps your attitude and behavior pushes men away or perhaps you make lousy choices in men?" OMG- I didn't like that at all.

For the first time I stopped being the victim and started taking responsibility for myself. I shone the light on myself. This is the best place to start.

Before I wrote Doormat Nor Diva Be or The Confidence Factor an agent said: "What qualifies you to write on relationships?" I replied, "I learned the hard way as I screwed up all of mine." He replied: "You have the perfect qualifications".

In my own self-exploration I realised I either behaved like a doormat allowing guys to treat me dishonourably, disrespectfully, and inappropriately or I dumped my diva attitudes and behaviours on them, believing it was my right and my responsibility to tell them what they should think, what they should do and how they should feel.

Embarking further along my journey of self-discovery I learnt I had either subconsciously attracted men who were not good for me or not into me enough, and allowed them to remain in my life, or I invited guys into my life who were emotionally unavailable, as I clearly had underlying issues around commitment.

My ego was so inflated I believed the world revolved around me.

I hated friends moaning about being single as it got in the way of my moaning. I complained my ex's were controlling, unfaithful, non-committal, unkind and verbally abusive and here's the paradox, the one's who were faithful, loving and reliable bored me and I dumped them.

Here's five reasons you are single.

1. You haven't ever blown the whistle on yourself.

You never step back and take a look inside yourself and ponder your shortcomings, instead you minimise, alter or deny them. You are not vigorously honest with yourself. You never pause and observe your behaviour without judgement. You are too busy taking everyone else's inventory, yet not willing to take your own.

2. The real you needs to please stand up.

You rehearse to be somebody else, forgetting that anyone who is integral and decent has no interest in dating a fake. Authenticity is the hottest ticket in town, fake is last season. You bend like a pretzel to be who someone else wants you to be. Sure you may have met many people, but you haven't taken time to meet yourself

3. It is time to drop the diva attitude

You feel 'superior to others' which displays low - self -esteem and lack of confidence, with a compulsion to be perfect. You think you have to be perfect to get someone to love you! You never lighten up, as you are too busy needing to be right all the time. You want exclusive air time and take other's hostage, thinking everyone is interested in your unsolicited advice. You are unaware no one is attracted to someone who gets defensive, as this reveals how insecure you are.

4. Being a doormat is not a good look.

You don't express yourself assertively, instead you play games, use sarcasm, become resentful, sulk or manipulate others to get your own way, which is passive aggressive and a complete turn off. Perhaps you castrate partners by literally cutting them out of your life rather than communicating honestly about why you want to split? You have no self- respect for yourself, so everyone else loses respect for you too.

5. You get dazzled by charming charlatans.

You get easily charmed because you are so keen to get into a relationship. You allow yourself to be seduced by someone who further along the line you discover is a player, a narcissist, a commitment phobic, an untreated addict or has violent tendencies. You get easily duped by someone who compliments you, and is either all over you like a rash straight away or plays cool, or is wealthy and spoils you, or has an amazing butt or who you have mindblowing sex with.