About two months ago this landed in my twitter feed. Don't ask me, incidentally, why it was two months ago rather than, say, five weeks, because if you do I will tell you. The link more or less speaks for itself, in case you're not inclined to follow it. The reason it landed in my twitter feed (not just mine, of course, but, for the purposes of this blog, mine) was because someone wanted to point out a curiosity about the list- there are no women on it.
I have to say I don't know why people post jokes on twitter. A lot of people are in comedy in some way, aspiring, on the ladder or even at the top of their game, still tweeting jokes for free when they could be storing them up for use later in front of a paying audience. Many jokes on twitter are immediate, and won't be funny in another hour. Some, I guess, are, for whatever reason, not suited to any other medium. Maybe part of the answer is that it is truly annoying to have come up with something really funny and have nobody to share the joke with. Whatever the reason, twitter is full of jokes, laps them up, and doesn't care who is telling them. If you're funny, you're in. As a white male I don't feel fully confident in telling you discrimination doesn't exist on twitter. I'm sure it does. But all those people who don't care about who you are as long as you're funny have a choice that would normally be left to a commissioning editor or someone similar. On twitter, just follow the right person and you get a free stream of jokes.
Anyway, back to about two months ago. It occurred to me that it would be easy enough to compile a list of funny twitter females. I scribbled an initial list of 3 or 4 that came to mind off the top of my head. Then I thought I'd ask for suggestions from my followers on twitter. I don't have a massive amount of followers, so even though I asked people to retweet my original message, I thought that I'd get maybe 1 or 2 more names and then I'd have to sort of find the rest myself and then maybe put the results on storify or something for posterity. Then, having posted this harmless and hardly noticed little tweet, I went to work.
When I got back, later, I idly checked my twitter feed. From I narrative point of view I imagine it is now fairly obvious than I had way more responses than I had expected. I don't know how many, it took me 2 complete attempts just to catalogue all the names that got mentioned. The final list contained 182 entries. The original tweet was retweeted 73 times. The definitive final list of women received a grand total of 105 votes. Nobody knew they were voting, to be fair, but I have decided this is going to be democratic. This slew of electoral enthusiasm came from huge numbers of people, male and female alike, with no other idea than to tell me all of the women they found funny. Some people tweeted me two or three times, with just lists of funny women. I'd love to just make a huge list of all them, if for no other reason than to let them all know somebody thought they were funny. But that's impractical, even though it does sort of accentuate my point, which is that if you ask twitter for funny women, you'll get no shortage of answers. They're out there, so there is no excuse for your list excluding them like a social underclass. Without too much ado then, here they are. In alphabetical order, because I really only use the pretence of democracy as a filtering system, this isn't a popularity contest, here are 10 of the funniest women on twitter:
Choosing which political party to vote for is like deciding what type of shit you'd like to have rubbed into your face for the next 5 years.-- Lisa (@BiscuitAhoy) May 18, 2014
I'm not wearing any gloves.May 15, 2014
Dear "The UK" If we have a dreadful summer please feel free to have words with my husband. He's searching for paddling pools on Amazon.-- Lily (@LilyThePurr) May 19, 2014
I'd like to bet all the Masterchef contestants and crew leave that studio and head straight for the nearest MacDonalds-- Lily (@LilyThePurr) May 16, 2014
Apparently Nigel Farage becomes racist when he's tired. No one let him get hungry.-- Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) May 18, 2014
Don't get upset about When Corden Met Barlow. As long as they're together, they're both out the way.-- Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) May 5, 2014
Twitter is a bit broken.
I have now realised my husband left me two years ago and my kids have grown up and moved out though.-- Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 19, 2014
Guy in Tesco started typing on phone straight after I called self service machine a bastarding fucktrumpet.
Hope he hasn't tweeted it. Oh.-- Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 15, 2014
Accidentally spilled a bottle of red wine down your throat? Simply follow it up with a bottle of white wine to neutralise the damage.-- Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) May 20, 2014
My ex boyfriend just sent me a FB message saying 'how's tricks'. This new deodorant is really working for me.-- Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) May 19, 2014
Incy wincy spider climbed up the water spout, down came the rain and-FUCK THAT'S NOT RAIN AND THIS ISN'T A WATER SPOUT IT'S A FUCK PIPE!-- Mitten D'Amour (@PFPTMillsy) May 18, 2014
Things that deserve BAFTA awards more than TOWIE/MIC:
• 15 minute close up of a toenail
• A fox regurgitating Nigel Farage's tummy mud
• Jam-- Mitten D'Amour (@PFPTMillsy) May 18, 2014
My Little Pony Burgers #RuinAtoy-- Bex (@rebeccaupnorth) May 20, 2014
Am I the only person in Europe watching Strippers vs. Werewolves right now?-- Bex (@rebeccaupnorth) May 10, 2014
Imagine suddenly realising your sofa is stuffed with £50 notes. That's the face I just pulled remembering I've still got some Toblerone left-- Scriblit (@Scriblit) May 17, 2014
I set down a cup of gently cooling coffee to narrate my actions in the style of Alan Bennett, causing you to read this tweet in his voice.-- Scriblit (@Scriblit) May 9, 2014
What animal makes a noise a bit like a chattering monkey? Is it an owl? I hope it's an owl otherwise there's a monkey outside my window.-- Twitflup (@Twitflup) May 20, 2014
I have just sneezed so hard I've travelled back in time to 1983.-- Twitflup (@Twitflup) May 20, 2014
Nobody ever asks 'how's Wally?'-- vivienne clore (@Vivienneclore) May 18, 2014
someone told me to put my money where my mouth is. i just pursed my lips at him-- vivienne clore (@Vivienneclore) May 11, 2014