02/01/2014 11:28 GMT | Updated 04/03/2014 05:59 GMT

Dry January

Dry January? Don't Bother.

Or rather, if you are going to do it? Do it f*cking properly.

It's January, We are fat, broke, tired. Seems like a good enough excuse to raise some cash for a good cause and have a few early nights, yes?

No. Just no.

Do dry January if you like pet, truly. Just run a little check list first:

  • If you decided to use dry January as an excuse to cane it like George Best on a stag do for all of December?

Don't bother. You run the risk of a pattern of binging and purging that could follow you around for years to come.

  • If you are doing it because you have no money this month and want to use sobriety as a form of house arrest?

Pointless. Sobriety is not cutting things out, not making the world smaller. If you make that connection you will succeed at fundraising for a month but set alcohol-free living in your mind as a place of deprivation.

  • Using it as an excuse to seek penitence for Christmas sins?

Rubbish. If asceticism is your bag? Go to church. Far more effective. I repeat: Sobriety is not denial of things. it's inclusion.

  • Because your mates are doing it?

Same pattern as drinking because your mates are doing it. you won't learn anything about your own personal preferences. You won't get to know yourself. You wont be doing it your way.

Because it makes you better than everyone else?

  • Bullsh*t. Sobriety does not make you a virtuous person. Being a good person does. It's not what you put into your mouth in January - it's what comes out of it that counts - Sobriety is not a noble cause.

And if you do it right? It's a selfish thing.

It makes our life nicer. That's all the reason anyone ever needs. If you're going to walk around acting like a self-righteous pr*ck because you are doing it dry this January, people will hate you. Deservedly. Do dry January quietly and happily. Then you will still have friends in February. Always a bonus.

If you do still want to do dry January, don't get all your information from websites. Sobriety does not happen online. It happens outside. Face to face. In the real world. That's what sobriety is. Real people. New places and things. A fresh perspective. Looking at life through fresh eyes.

Find yourself a good sober role model. Someone exciting. Someone who does not make their living through addiction therapy or medical intervention. Definitely not a medical or addiction expert. Run as far away from these advice givers as possible. They make it boring as f*ck. Being bored is not nice. Being bored and sober is completely unnecessary. Look around for someone who has a nice, full life that also happens to be sober. There are plenty of us about I promise.

Put the focus on making your world a bigger place. If you are raising money already then fair enough. But if you aren't? Don't. Try volunteering your way through dry January instead. That's what successful sobriety is all about. Meeting new people. Feeling part of the world. Feeling valued. Being of service. Having new conversations. Re-discovering who we are and how we can help.

The rest is irrelevant.