THE BLOG
26/02/2016 12:46 GMT | Updated 26/02/2017 05:12 GMT

What Your Vet Says - And What They Really Mean

When you go to your vet, they have to be reasonably nice to you. They need you to work with them for the health of your pet. They can't annoy you by being too frank. So sometimes, what is coming out of their mouths, is actually a highly edited and extremely tactful version of what is in their heads;

What we say;

'He is a little broad about the beam.'

What we mean;

Your pet is so fat he is basically a pillow on legs. His head is approximately 3 sizes too small for his body and he is on course for an early death!

But you believe he is just cuddly, or it's all because he's been neutered, or actually you don't feed him much really, so I have to broach the subject carefully. Especially as you may not be exactly waif-like yourself!

See also;

'Well, I can tell he enjoys his meals!'

'Oh, he is well conditioned isn't he?!'

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What we say;

'Gosh, he's a lively fella!'

What we mean;

I realise your dog is 'only being friendly' but he is a 60kg Mastiff on an extendable lead. He is indeed a nice dog but I don't enjoy having to brace myself against this onslaught, nor do I appreciate slobber in my hair. PLEASE keep control of your animal!

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What we say;

'Haha, well, you learn to move fast in this job!'

What we mean;

You, sir, couldn't hold on to your snappy little terrier-ist if your life depended on it. However, I have to put my fingers and face in harms way to help him. Therefore, please stay here while I go get some professional restraint (hurrah for RVNs!) and a muzzle.

See also;

'Ooo, she's spirited!'

'Well, even if he is just 'smiling' at me, it's better to be safe than sorry!'

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What we say;

'Well, it can be hard to get on top of the fleas.'

What we mean;

Especially if you buy all your treatments in the local supermarket and have worked your way through the shampoo, powder, tablets, collars and 'house bombs' before you finally came to me. I know our products are more expensive than the stuff you can pick up with your shopping but that is because they ACTUALLY WORK!

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What we say;

'You know, these teeth aren't so great.'

What we mean;

Blimey, it's a good thing I have a strong stomach, it smells like something has actually died in your pets mouth. How could you not notice they are a walking petri dish and are probably cultivating a whole new civilisation of bacteria in there?

Then in response to the usual reply about how the pet are still eating and they are fairly elderly now, your vet may say;

'Anaesthetics are very safe' and 'The infection will be causing damage in the body itself as well as the mouth' and 'She will be in pain, even if she is still eating'

But what they actually mean is;

'How can you not see your pet is pretty much rotting from the mouth backwards?! Trust me, the phenomenal infection and rivers of pus in her mouth will do far more harm than any general anaesthetic!'

and

'The fact she is still eating means NOTHING! Let's not anthropomorphise here, your dog has evolved to eat come what may. Watch closely, she probably isn't chewing, she probably takes longer, she probably only eats soft food, but She. Still. Eats. Appetite is NO indication of dental disease!!"

But they don't because they have to remain polite, sane and in a job.

Which is where I come in! ;-)