22/01/2014 08:37 GMT | Updated 24/03/2014 05:59 GMT

Nigel Farage's 'Daily Express' Column Translated

Nigel Farage wrote a column for the Daily Express on Wednesday in response to a leader about recent events concerning a Ukip councillor and some rather bold weather predictions.

For those of you that don't speak Farage, I've provided this handy translation...

When the history is written years from now of how Britain won back its sovereignty I predict that two names will be up at the top of the billing. One will be Ukip, which even our sternest critics now concede has transformed the political landscape. The other will be the Daily Express, which has transformed the media landscape by becoming the first national newspaper to campaign to get Britain out of the European Union and restore this nation's authority over its own borders.

TRANSLATION: When science has advanced far enough to raise the dead and rightfully place Diana on the throne, two names will be the only ones allowed to be mentioned. One will be Ukip who convinced areas of Britain with very few immigrants that they were in mortal danger from invisible immigrants. The other will be the Daily Express which has transformed the media landscape by using more exclamation marks in its headlines than any other paper.

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We have fought shoulder to shoulder in recent years and have achieved a lot together already - with much more still to come.

TRANSLATION: We have fought shoulder to shoulder in recent years to frame all immigrants as thieves, liars and benefit cheats but there are still portions of the population with the ability to see through our rhetoric.

So when the Daily Express gives voice to concerns about various recent events surrounding Ukip, I do not file it in a drawer marked "media smears" along with the attacks made on my party by those who have an agenda to do us down.

TRANSLATION: So when the rest of the media gleefully report yet another one of my party members saying something utterly absurd/racist/homophobic, I resort to speaking through the only mainstream paper who doesn't see these views as extreme.

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Let us start with the episode concerning town councillor David Silvester who has blamed the recent floods on David Cameron's decision to bring in gay marriage.

TRANSLATION: Let us start with the absolute shit-storm caused by the truly astounding assertion from town councillor David Silvester who blamed recent floods on David Cameron's prime ministerial highlight of bringing in gay marriage.

Mr Silvester is a decent and public-spirited man who was a Conservative for most of his political life.

TRANSLATION: Mr Silvester is a decent and public-spirited man in the eyes of everyone but gays and anyone with a functioning moral compass.

He joined Ukip in the main because of his profound opposition to Mr Cameron's gay marriage proposal. Hundreds of Tories, including Christians who take their scripture seriously, came to Ukip as a result of David Cameron's handling of this issue.

TRANSLATION: He joined Ukip because he simply could not get on board with a logical, progressive and thoroughly modern way of thinking. Hundreds of other former Tories are also living in the Dark Ages.

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Now I do not agree with Mr Silvester's remarkable take on weather forecasting (Ed - Seems quite reasonable to me). I have even described it as being at the barmier end of opinion.

TRANSLATION: Even I think it was mental (ED - THESE ARE THE WORST STORMS IN 100 YEARS!!!)

But I did not suspend his membership of Ukip because of views he is perfectly entitled to hold. Ukip is after all a broad church of free thinking people and I welcome that. I did so because he defied a request to stop broadcasting those views while knowing that Ukip's name would inevitably be attached to them. In effect he was bringing our party into disrepute and we could not allow that to continue. So the party dealt with it.

TRANSLATION: After the entire internet ganged up on me I was forced to deal with the issue.

In just the same way I dealt with the Godfrey Bloom issue in the autumn. Because dealing with these things is what a proper leader has to do.

TRANSLATION: Last year the whole internet ganged up on me for a similar thing.

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Now I know some people have suggested that I was responsible for doing something similar this week when I talked about the role of women in the City of London. That is not being anti-female and nobody who has worked with me or seen the outstanding contribution that women have made to the rise of Ukip could honestly accuse me of that. Indeed, most of our brilliant by-election results of recent years have been achieved by women candidates: Jane Collins in Barnsley and Rotherham, Margot Parker in Corby and Diane James in Eastleigh. In each case they were chosen not to fulfil some gender quota but strictly on merit. Ukip is run as a meritocracy and so was the business that I ran before becoming party leader.

TRANSLATION: Just to reiterate, Ukip does not think that women are sluts.

If that's what you really want then you have plenty of alternatives to choose from among the college kids in Westminster. What you will continue to get from me and from Ukip is patriotism and basic common sense. I can't do politics any other way.

TRANSLATION: Stay tuned for the next embarrassing Ukip cock-up, at least it makes all the other parties look dull. I drink real ale and smoke. I don't have control over my party image.

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