25/11/2013 09:28 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 05:59 GMT

The Inside Scoop on Every Film Project in Hollywood

I make films, usually in the UK. Hollywood is a whole different thing, which I will now explain in perfect detail.

Everybody in LA is excited about their next project. It's a passion project. Lots of great people are interested in getting involved and some stars are attached, dependent on another draft.

Nobody is ever not excited about their next project, and in fact the next project is most definitely the best yet. It's a meaningful script, very original, a studio film with indie sensibilities, or maybe an indie film with studio sensibilities, or an indie-style studio movie with absolutely no sensibilities at all.

Somebody really important wants to read the script, and somebody else's agent may be interested in getting someone sort of involved or at least attached, but first everyone in Hollywood is busy drinking lots of coffee and waiting for permission to cross the street.

Everybody would like to meet for a meeting, but they may not have time for it because they are so busy. They are too busy to have meetings because of all the meetings they have lined up. They also have a conference call about a meeting and a meeting about a conference call, not to mention the pre-production meeting that has been rescheduled just in time for post-production.

Everybody knows somebody who can get a script to somebody else. Nobody is ever the person who can pass the script on, they are always the person who knows someone else who can do it. The script will be passed from one person to another person who can eventually get it to an A List actor, but nobody mentions who the A List actor should then pass it on to. If you ever see Tom Cruise standing in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard with a screenplay and a confused expression, you now know why.

It is hoped that the A List actor will read the script and then attach themselves to it, assumably with a staple gun. If not, the actor may merely say they are "interested in being attached", which means they will be happy to stand next to it for pictures.

All projects need "just a little more funding", which can be gained through an investor, or by talking really loudly in a coffee house. While it may seem odd that so many films are short of funding, the actual reason is that the dollars needed to complete the projects have been spent on soy lattes and almond milk cappuccinos.

All films are due to begin shooting in the autumn, but may be changed to springtime because of actor availability and, one would guess, the weather.