13/09/2012 07:06 BST | Updated 12/11/2012 05:12 GMT

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Recently I read a status update on Facebook that I found truly upsetting, in fact, it horrified me. I found the words and intention behind it demeaning, degrading and down right insane:

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says "that's her / him.'" (Delete or read as appropriate).

I think I may have gagged several times whilst reading it. Am I so jaded, cynical and bruised by life's experience that the guy who's being looked for would make me run a million miles or does this kind of all consuming "can't live without you" person actually exist? Is there a warrant out for him and a photo fit that needs to be put up on every street corner or broadcast on the early evening news?

To me he sounds like a nightmare in trousers or at the very least someone who is all mouth and no trousers. Does anyone really want to find a man who sounds as sappy as a Disney Movie? I thought women / men / gays / lesbians and sharks had got this whole love thing sorted. Surely independence is better than being emotionally dependant? Especially when the guy who's being looked for and dreamt about sounds like he's a heartbeat away from being a stalker:

Why does anyone want to be called "beautiful instead of hot"? Don't they both go hand in hand to the bedroom? Are they not as intrinsically linked as Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde? There is beauty and hotness in the coldest and the ugliest because as the cliche says "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Ugly sex is good sex and good sex is ugly, right? Especially if you're doing it properly.

Why on earth would you want someone to call you right back after you've slammed the phone down on them? "I've put the phone down on you because I think you're an utter **** (choose your four words carefully) so I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone". Having a partner who calls you back more than a PPI salesman does not make a happy relationship, it just makes you want to disconnect, unplug and tune out. "Let's speak when I'm ready and you realise I'm right".

There is nothing quite so scary as waking up and finding someone a couple of inches away from your face and staring at you. I don't care if it's love, lust or murder in their eyes, in the middle of the night they all look the same. Our sleep time is our dream time, time for us to be alone, to have adventures, to sleep with imaginary partners and even have ugly sex with them if we wanted. Waking up in the middle of the night with someone fawning and panting over you like a love sick puppy is annoying, even when it's done by a lovesick puppy. "You want to put your head on my chest and listen to my heartbeat? Why don't you go and buy yourself a stethoscope and lay on the opposite side of the bed and do it?"

I find the kisses on the forehead thing a little creepy too. I have kissed things on the forehead, mostly babies, puppies and pensioners but it's hardly the kiss of an all consuming passion is it? I think if I had a partner who insisted on doing that I'd have to attach a post it note to my forehead saying "leave me alone" or "go away quickly". Foreheads are for fringes and Botox, not for kissing and licking.

"Wait for the guy who wants to show you off to the world?". Exactly how does this work? I'm confused. Is he in to wife swapping? Husband swapping? That's just what I need, I've falling in love with a porno director and he wants to "show me off". There is a time and place for public displays of affection and that's mostly when there are no public about. Holding hands is for children on school trips and adults on doctors appointments. I don't want to hold your hand unless you're passing me some cash.

Finally, and this is the sentiment that really made me want to get rid of my lunch "one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you".

For the love of God, Disney, sweatpants, puppies and ugly sex, seriously?!! You want to hear this constantly? Did you not get enough love as a child? Are you not secure and confident enough to know that you're a good, loveable, worthwhile person without some clingy, wet blanket of a man telling you? It is lovely to be loved but to be told it all the time? You don't need a lover, you need a therapist and if he's constantly saying how lucky he is to have you?

I'd say that's probably true so you must dump him immediately and go and have some fun on your own.