I can keep quiet no longer! Every year the shortlist for Celebrity Mum of the Year leaves me reeling from what constitutes being a good Mum. Usually I question what makes a celebrity so putting the two together really gets my head in a spin cycle.
This year's list is no different. I really don't like public slandering but I'd say it's time to call time on this ridiculous accolade until the list comprises deserving recipients.
Four of this year's nominees were all in the Big Brother house at the same time - I don't recall their children being in there while they displayed behaviour that quite frankly would embarrass anyone.
One of those publicly flashes her breasts at every opportunity and flirts with men younger than her eldest son. Maybe it's just me but part of being a good mum is protecting your kids. It seems that doesn't extend to protecting them from their shenanigans.
Everyone deserves a private life but the life of celebrity means that privacy is practically stripped away. How's that fair on the kids who didn't choose to be famous? Maybe it's just me but I just can't see how shagging your kids' uncle qualifies anyone for Mum of the Year.
One of the nominees hasn't even given birth yet so how do we know if she's any good? Another has only recently become a mum so I'd say it's also too early to call.
One has been stripped of her nomination not for smoking but for being caught smoking.
I'm beginning to think it's their children who should be rewarded for being subjected to ridicule, humiliation and some pretty cringe worthy photos of their mothers plastered all over the press.
The fact that all of them are famous working mums and/or one half of a celebrity couple affords them the luxury of permanent childcare. I wonder how many nannies are scratching their heads wondering when a Celebrity Mum's Nanny of the Year award is coming?
Let's face it; these lists are drawn up based on who is a celebrity and who is a mother but nothing else. At least Mum of the Year is real people suggesting mothers based on what they know they do for their kids. We know absolutely nothing of any of these women's maternal feelings or parental skills.
We may see the odd photo of them pixelated out of pap shots skipping through Heathrow or see some ostentatious staged shots in magazines that have been sold - presumably to furnish the offspring's college fund of course. None of it is hardly pronouncing what a fantastic mother any of them are even if the interviews have them shouting how it's the best thing that ever happened to them - it's not proof of anything.
Looking at the list perhaps we could have categories and really make a night of it. How about, Celebrity Big Brother Contestant Mum of the Year, Celebrity Glamour Model Mum of the Year, Celebrity Footballer's Wife Mum of the Year and Celebrity Dancing on Ice Mum of the Year. Ah, hang on, I see a flaw in that idea as some nominees fall into three of those categories but still, it could catch on.
I honestly can't see what this award is actually applauding.
Oh well done you for being a single mum. Congratulations for being able to lavishly afford a baby having earned a fortune from your fortunate good looks. I praise your ability to bear multiple children. Good on your for being fertile. High five for not using contraception. Yay, finally a girl!
I know Mothering Sunday is less than a week away but I'm totally up for drawing up a Notorious Mum of the Year list for 2013.
Any sponsors interested can trust me to keep mum.
Disclaimer: This piece is based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters - including myself - may be entirely fictitious.