22/10/2015 16:39 BST | Updated 22/10/2016 06:12 BST

26 Lies Tired Parents Tell

2015-10-21-1445420326-3032795-LIES.jpgI have a confession to make.

Since having babies I have told a few lies.

I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive. The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.

If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am just a miserable twat):


1: So sorry I can't make it - the baby is sick.

I am too tired to face people today.

2: How embarrassing! I had no idea I had vomit on my shoulder!

I got these clothes out of the dirty laundry and hoped no one would notice the vomit.

3: Excuse the mess. I haven't had time to clean today.

I have spent hours cleaning but my house still looks like crap.

4: I am so sorry I lost the invitation to your kid's party.

I forgot to RSVP because I am tired and disorganised.

5: I haven't had a shower for two days!

I haven't had a shower for two weeks.

6: Sorry, I didn't answer the phone I was feeding the baby.

I couldn't be bothered with a conversation.

7: We don't normally eat potato waffles but I can't face cooking.

I hate cooking. We eat potato waffles all the time.

8: Oh sorry, my kids are always taking off their clothes!

I couldn't be arsed to get the kids dressed today.

9: My baby is teething.

My baby is being a pain in the arse.

10: I don't usually give my child this many biscuits!

When there are no witnesses; I give her much more biscuits.

11: I only let my kids watch TV for an hour a day or when they are sick.

I let my kids watch TV when I need to cook dinner, take a shower, make coffee, tidy up or piss around on Facebook.

12: I look terrible I didn't have time to do my hair and make up.

I have done my hair and make up but I still look like shit.

2015-10-21-1445419648-183740-IMG_20130111_175011.jpgLIES YOU TELL THE KIDS

13: There is no cereal left, so it's toast today kids.

There are no clean bowls and I am not washing up.

14: It is bedtime now!

It is 6pm.

15: There are no biscuits.

There is one more biscuits but I want to eat it.

16: Elsa and Anna are dead.

If I have to watch Frozen one more time I will scream.

17: That toy is broken.

That toy is annoying. I took the batteries out.

18: The soft play centre is closed.

I am NOT going to the soft play centre.

19: It is NOT morning yet.

It is 7.30am.



20: It is your turn to change the baby. I did it while you were in the bathroom.

I don't want to change the baby because it smells really bad.

21: I am popping to the shop for milk.

I am popping to the shop so I can sit in the car park and play on my phone.

22: I am going to the toilet.

I am going to the bathroom to look on Facebook in peace.

23: I didn't hear the baby.

I pretended to be asleep until you got up for the baby.

24: I have been up ALL night.

I had about two hours of broken sleep.

25: She always sleeps better when you put her down. I don't know how you do it!

She sleeps badly whoever puts her down but I really want to sit here and drink wine.

26: I AM FINE!

I am not fine. The kids have been horrible today. I am tired. I have had not time to eat. My coffee is cold. I need everyone to leave me the hell alone for five minutes before I lose my shit.

DOES all this make me a bad person? I hope not. But when you are tired and stressed in charge of young children, it is a matter of survival! Please tell me it is not just me?

Feel free to visit Surviving A Sleep Thief - an antithesis to baby sleep advice or join me on Facebook or Twitter.