21/10/2013 08:22 BST | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

Swellings, Rashes, Pain and Grease - Day Three of an Ayurvedic Retreat

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So, you must be wondering how I'm getting on in my little corner of heaven - the Kerala countryside in India? Truth is, at this moment in time, I've had better times.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is wonderful here. It's peaceful, beautiful and the people are the kindest and most knowledgable you could hope to meet; it seems to be my reaction to this enchanting hospitality which is the problem...

I believe I am going through a detox. By this I mean I am neither using nor ingesting any chemicals except toothpaste and eating nothing but fresh and organic fruits, vegetables and pulses. I'm have two 121 yoga classes a day and two Ayurvedic massages a day. My body seems to be rebelling against the lack of bad stuff it's having to contend with.

It's like it somehow feels less of a body if it doesn't have to fight off cancer causing carcinogens on a daily basis. Like I'll somehow stop appreciating all it does for me.

So today, after a terrible nights sleep because I had to tie my hair up because it was so full of oil from the treatments (they say they wash it out, but rubbing a bit of Ayurvedic soap into hair that they've just wrung oil out of does NOT count as washing) and rain so hard it woke me up, three times, I woke up to find my right eye was almost swollen shut (I always sleep on my right side - google Ida nadi and sleep to see why, or ask me, whatever's easier!) and my skin was weirdly bumpy. Not just cellulite bumpy either, like tiny little pin pricks all over my body.

Also, I could barely move because my back hurt so much. You know in the morning when you stretch to get up? I couldn't. I went to my 7:30am yoga class and my teacher seemed at a bit of a loss as to what to do with me because everything hurt so much.

All this being said, and yes, I'm fully aware I'm putting most people off at this point, there is something quietly reassuring about all this. A kind of no pain no gain mentality that has me believing that if good food, removal from stress and gentle yoga has this much of an effect on me, I must be getting rid of a whole heap of emotional and physical crap.

As for now, my morning massage helped ease my back a bit and I'm looking forward to another delicious lunch, cooked on site, with only products grown organically on the premises.

Life could be a helluva lot worse.

Have you ever considered a retreat? Have you been? What was your experience? Let me know in the comments below!