I sat, staring in the mirror, amazed at what I had discovered. I was my own worst enemy. I was the one holding me back. For some unknown reason, my subconscious was creating barriers, blocking me from achieving what I wanted to achieve.
It sounds strange but this self-defeating phenomenon, known as resistance, is really much more common than people realise. It is something all therapists will have encountered at one stage or another and something most people will have too, whether they realise it or not.
It took a while for me to look at my life and accept responsibility for the way it had panned out. Don't get me wrong, I have a secure job that paid well, I owned my own house, had a lovely boyfriend and loving family and friends, but I wasn't fulfilled. I'd played around the fringes of complementary thereapies, dabbled in courses here and there, and actually become well-qualified in some areas, but when it actually came down to it, when it actually came to making things happen and making a lasting change, something always happened.
Something held me back.
I would tell myself it wasn't the right time, or it was too big a risk, or my life wasn't so bad now so why change it...there was always some reason, seemingly valid, that stopped me from taking a leap of faith.
I don't know how I managed to realise I was being my own worst enemy. I think all my study started to pay off and I started looking for the answers within myself rather than outside myself.
And there it was, the answer I was looking for all along. I had been holding myself back. Resisting changes in my life. So all I had to do was find out why.
I sat down with my inner self and had a conversation. Gestalt therapists call it parts therapy. For me it was just a conversation, albeit slightly awkward at first, given it was between me, myself and I, but a conversation nonetheless.
I was honest and asked why I was stopping myself moving forward, taking a leap and trying to fulfill myself. The answer came surprisingly quickly. I was scared; scared of failing, scared on being left in a worse situation than before, most of all scared that my dream wouldn't be all I dreamt it would be and I'd realise the grass wasn't always greener on the other side.
Great. So I had my answer. Now what?
I continued my conversation and me, myself and I agreed that I had to give it a go. I had to try, once and for all, so I'd know. If it didn't work out, I'd find a new and better dream and work towards that. There is learning to be found in every experience.
So that's where I am now. Putting myself out there, writing, guest blogging on sites such as Tiny Buddha and seeing clients. Guess what? I'm loving it!
Have the conversation, feel silly, make a breakthrough, then move forward. Overcome your fears and live your dreams - only you have the answers you're seeking.
N.B. cross posted to my blog.