Since I've become a parent there are a host of things that I have done that I am super proud of. I love my children, I take care of them quite well I think. 95% of the time I am in charge of them we have a grand old time. But? There is that 5%, where I am so exhausted I can't think straight, that I have not been proud of. In fact? I'm downright embarrassed with myself. So I thought I would come clean. Offer other Mothers in similar shameful circumstances someone they can relate to. Reveal all My Dirty 'Mummy' Secrets.
There is however, a disclaimer to this list. We need to agree on something. A few of the things I do genuinely only do 'sometimes'. But some of the things (more than is reasonable) I have written 'sometimes' when I mean 'most of the time'. Such is my shame. I can't admit which ones. Thought you could just try and figure it our for yourselves. So, gulp, here goes...
Sometimes I clean the bathroom sink. With a baby wipe.
Sometimes I clean the kitchen table. With a baby wipe.
Sometimes I clean my privates. With a baby wipe. (This is a sometimes one - promise! It is! IT IS!)
Sometimes I hide in the kitchen and eat all the treats from the special children treat box.
Sometimes I lie on the couch and watch an episode of Homes Under The Hammer whilst my children happily and quietly pull out every DVD I own.
Sometimes I pretend I can't hear the children wake up in the night so my husband has to get up.
Sometimes I say I need to go to the toilet just to get some peace and quiet for two minutes.
Sometimes I just say "yes" when my toddler talks and I didn't quite hear what he was saying (aka wasn't listening). Or "that's nice".
Sometimes I pretend that Peppa has 'ran away' as I can't face watching her again on television.
Sometimes I put my pyjamas on at 3pm. OK, OK. 1pm. OK, OK I don't get dressed.
My knees are shaved. My toes are shaved. Job done!
Sometimes I wear extra long leggings so I don't have to shave my legs. Or wear ripped jeans and only shave my knees (and toes).
Sometimes I put on extra dry shampoo so the white covers my roots.
Sometimes I pretend the kids were begging for a Happy Meal. When in reality? I desperately wanted one. With a full fat coke. And a McFlurry.
Sometimes I have Calpol rather than painkillers as it tastes dead nice.
Sometimes I used to eat rusks when I had ran out of biscuits.
Sometimes I eat the cold remains of waffles that 'may' have dropped on the floor.
Sometimes I hide my head in the fridge and eat cake whilst my children eat fruit in the living room.
Sometimes, when discovered, I pretend this cake is 'Mummy's medicine'.
Sometimes I pretend that me sitting on Twitter/Facebook/ASOS is 'Mummy's work'.
I'm stopping there. This list could go on and on and on. So now you know the odd time I clean my bits with a baby wipe and that I generally can be found in my pyjamas or super long leggings. But in the grand scheme of things? It's not that bad. Is it? (shoves head in fridge and consumes pack of 'treat' Smarties in one gulp).