08/08/2016 06:06 BST | Updated 08/08/2017 06:12 BST

What Orlando's Penis Tells Us About Equality

There I was happily gulping down my morning coffee when I was confronted with a penis! No, I hadn't had a run in with the local flasher, nor had my neighbour forgotten that his blinds were open.... again. I was sat in my house, on my phone, reading the news when WHAM there it was. Now I would like to say that I was immediately outraged when I realised that poor Orlando Bloom had been photographed with his willy hanging free. A willy that was now being seen by millions the world over. I was outraged.... eventually.... after some mutterings of -

"Oh my, oh my. Who knew. Such an Adonis"

Then I told my inner perv off and reminded myself that what I was doing was a gross invasion of privacy. There were photos of Orlando on holiday, paddling away with his girlfriend. He was clearly very hot (as in temperature) as he had removed all of his clothes. His very pert posterior is on display as is his perfectly proportioned penis. Apparently. I averted my eyes very quickly so I wouldn't know *cough*. I did not get lost in some fantasy involving me swimming/drowning in the sea, and a stark naked Orlando coming to my rescue - Baywatch stylee. No, this did not happen. I have respect for the man!

If Orlando wants to strip off then it is his prerogative to do so. However, did he wish for all of us to see him in the nude, paddling away? No, I don't think so. I have become alarmed by the sexist attitude towards Orlando. I have seen whole newspaper articles dedicated to Orlando's willy. There are wars going on; people being killed, but we all need to know if Orlando's willy is an aubergine or a chipolata - apparently he is an aubergine. The world has gone mad for Orlando's aubergine and that is sexist.

If we had a female celebrity who had been photographed with nothing on and the newspaper decided to run an article on whether she was a pair of choux buns or a couple of fairy cakes, how would we react? We would be outraged! We would accuse the newspaper of objectifying the lady. We would shout that it is typical of the sexist society we live in. Should the media really be celebrating Orlando's willy? Should we not be a little bit ashamed of ourselves for having a look? Here we are snooping on a man who has been caught with his pants down.

Yes, he might have the body of an adonis. However, if we spend our time drooling over his pixellated penis, then we can't get upset when some men choose to drool over pictures of female celebrities sunbathing topless. This picture of Orlando was taken without his permission or consent. Therefore, we should respect his privacy. We should avert our eyes. Step away from the internet. We should also ask ourselves what our reaction would have been if it had been his girlfriend - Katy Perry, that had been photographed naked. I suspect that there would have been more of an outcry, more shouting about it being a gross invasion of privacy. If men and woman are equal, then why are we not getting upset by Orlando's willy being out in the newspapers?

The lack of furore; the lack of outcry at Orlando's penis illustrates that men and woman are far from equal. In the name of equality we need to stop looking at Orlando's pixelated penis. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for equality. Big sacrifices. 😉