Who knew poo and wee would become our life when we had kids? If we're not covered in it, we are stressing out in public about it. Do you find you are on repeat when asking the toddler if they need the toilet? "Do you need a wee?" "Do you need a wee?" "Do you need a wee?" "Tell mummy if you need a wee." I never imagined that poo and wee could make you angry. I will call it 'angry poo rage' for the sake of this post. I know it's bad and I always have to apologise to the kids straight after. Poor things. "What do you mean you need a poo? What, you need a poo now? Why do you need a poo now? Why couldn't you go before?" "For God's sake! (under my breath)." All rhetorical questions of course. As I could quite easily answer all of those myself. What I really want to say is, "FFS, I *insert expletive* asked you at home, and then I *insert expletive" asked you when we got out of the car and you said you didn't *insert expletive* need it. In my head I'm thinking, "where is the *insert expletive" toilet here? I knew I shouldn't have brought the three of them here when I don't even know the place that well. Should I just let him poo his pants? He might think about going before we leave the house next time *winky face.*
When you read all the magazines in pregnancy, you know that you will probably need to change baby 8-10 times a day as a newborn, and during the night too. So, you just buy the nappies and do it. You have no idea they will have poo explosions that will go all up their backs, or projectile poos in the middle of the night. You just don't need that *insert expletive* in your life during the night do you? You think you are really clever as you always have a change of outfit for baby when you are out and about, but you never thought you would need an outfit for you. Poo on our trousers and tops has happened to the best of us. You weren't told it would take forever to get the baby ready, just to poo all over as soon as you put them in the car seat to leave the house. The best situation to get 'angry poo rage' is the 'school run poo'. I don't think we, or should I say I, will ever get this school run sorted. I am on my 3rd year of doing it, but everyday is like the first and it doesn't really get better. I thought it would be like an art you would master after doing it for years! Who was I trying to kid?! Like that ever happens when you have children in the mix. Anyway, the 'school run poo' has to be the most nerve-racking of poo situations. The one where you have only left yourself 5 minutes to get to school anyway, and that is without allowing time to jam your fingers in between the car seats to get the kids plugged in, and allowed time to run after the toddler down the road (who decided to take his shoes off first and then run out into the road, whilst you turned around for 2 seconds to pick up the book bags). You didn't allow time to have to turn back because the eldest forgot her spelling book and it is the spelling test that day. That is the day that baby will do a poo explosion as you leave for school.
You become a poo connoisseur. Poo never interested you before, but now you know each pantone code for the shade of poo colour, and what food does what to baby's bowel movements. You discuss all poo colours with you friends (1st time mummies do, 2nd time mummies normally drop the poo convo's and moan about the hubbies, who just can't get it right!)
If people could have seen me at times pulled up in a car park (usually Starbuck's or Asda), or outside school whilst I would be breastfeeding the youngest and then the toddler would need a poo. I would sit him next to me on the passenger seat whilst he did a number 2 in the potty. Then would have to drive home with the eldest complaining of the poo smell. I would be thinking, you don't have to see it every time you stop at the traffic lights! I know you are thinking why didn't I just buy one of those potettes, or the carry potty, that I have seen more recently. I must admit because I am onto my 3rd child now, I didn't want to have to pay out for another item when we already have a potty that does the job. I mean, there weren't too many poo aroma-filled journeys.
Anyway, back to 'angry poo rage'. How many times do you try and pass the book when out with your partner? "Child 1 needs the toilet, I took him last time. It's your turn." My husband made me laugh as he came up with this expression which I had never heard of, relating to poo anyway. It has stopped me getting 'angry poo rage' now. I remember finally getting the little one onto the toilet at the end of a mad frenzy, dashing through crowds to get to the public toilet. When we got to the toilet I was so relieved. It turned out that Mr poo wasn't in the mood for coming out. Wow, do you know that feeling when you've climbed mountains to get to a toilet, and then, low and behold, nothing! *Insert swear word* nothing. My husband said, "He's got stage-fright." Well, that still makes me laugh to this day! I thought that is EXACTLY what happens. So next time you are waiting for a bus or a train or have just been served your dinner at a restaurant that you have waited so long for, or the train/bus is about to arrive, or you are stuck in motorway traffic and your toddler says those dreaded words. If they then can't go when you get there, it may just be 'Stage-fright'.