Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 21 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Foreplay after 40 is showing your wife you wiped down the counter after making a sandwich.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 15, 2023
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023
Got one of those spammy extortion emails today like “I have the messages between you and your wife! Venmo me or I will expose you both!” And I just, lol. Expose us for what? Absolutely losing it when our cat sleeps on a different shelf than usual?” pic.twitter.com/aWe4HAZYF1
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) July 13, 2023
wife said she she only likes "the plain doritos" and i said Do you mean nacho cheese or cool ranch? and she said Just the plain ones and i said Do you mean tostitos? and she said No i mean plain doritos. what is happening. what is going on.
— bobby (@bobby) July 13, 2023
Half of the married arguments wouldn’t happen if they make it illegal for more than one person to be in the kitchen
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 5, 2023
Husband: *hiccuping for over an hour*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 5, 2023
Me: *writing his eulogy*
Whenever I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) July 17, 2023
When I first started dating my husband we would FaceTime each other from our offices and just work in silence for several hours at a time because we didn't want to be apart and now I make him leave the room if he sneezes while I'm trying to concentrate.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 5, 2023
Husband: Good morning.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) July 11, 2023
Me, who couldn’t sleep all night because of his snoring: Is it?
It's normal when your husband says "I love you" to respond in a British accent saying "you did... once" from "Muppet Christmas Carol" right?
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) July 15, 2023
*road trip*
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 16, 2023
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I put my husband fully in charge of dinner tonight so hopefully he chooses the one specific thing I want to eat and did not disclose to him
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 13, 2023
My husband took the toddler to get some groceries at Walmart (his idea!) while I stay home with the baby and have some peace and quiet. So sweet & thoughtful. 🥺🥰
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 9, 2023
Anyway we just got off the phone re: clarification of the grocery list for the 5th time
My husband will not let us leave the house for the airport until we are within one hour of our flight taking off and boy has this been baptism by fire for my highly anxious worrying ass.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 10, 2023
My husband decided to make a “late breakfast” after I had just cleaned the whole kitchen like, if you wanted a divorce, just ask.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 8, 2023
So thankful for my husband. Without him, who would tell me “there’s our car in blue with the custom tail lights and blackout package” whenever we see another car on the road that’s the same model as ours?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 10, 2023
Every year my husband watches Wimbledon and every year he almost leaves me because I sit next to him during every match and offer a running commentary that consists entirely of references to the 2004 romcom classic Wimbledon, starring Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany.
— emily harding (@emilymharding) July 15, 2023
husband: come on, sing along
— Heatherhere 🥝🍈🥝 (@Heatinblack) July 13, 2023
me: I don’t know the lyrics
husband: *turns up the volume*
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once - just ONCE - I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
— John to the World 🌎 (@JohnJokewriter) July 12, 2023
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 11, 2023
The secret to a successful marriage is 93% clear communication and 7% folding the towels in thirds instead of in half.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) July 11, 2023