"'Why don't you ever tweet nice stuff about your kids?' asked my idiot daughter."
"I’ve forgotten how to talk to people in person. What do I do with my arms?"
"We have reached the point where my wife is buying Tupperware to store more Tupperware."
"Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it."
"Every morning my cat wakes up and screams until somebody sits in the living room with him."
"2020 was a kinda bad year for me but a really good year for my dog who did not have to be alone for a single second."
"Sure, childbirth is painful, but have you ever had your spouse talk about their day at work in excruciating detail?"
"You don’t know what stress is until you watch your 2 year old try to spread cream cheese on a bagel."
"I’m less of a 'Don’t say that' mum and more of a 'Don’t say that at school' mum."
"Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting, 'What did you say?!’ from another room."