funniest tweets
"The women's bathroom at a club is the closest we'll ever get to Barbie world"
“Hey, tell your dog I said, ‘woof.’ He’ll know what it means.”
"1st kid: Has 21 pictures of baby blinking. 2nd kid: Has one blurry picture of graduation day."
"i think i’ll find the cure for depression in the knick knack section of a thrift store"
"Thinking about how many times my dating life has been used as a storytime to my friends’ significant others."
"Life with astigmatism is more romantic because every light is a twinkle light."
"Why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco."
"Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at Home Depot."
"the cat i’m watching rn screams whenever i get too close to her and also whenever i get too far away and i am suddenly feeling a lot of empathy for my ex boyfriends"
“'We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it' OK but I’m gonna worry about the bridge now"