funniest tweets

"1st kid: Has 21 pictures of baby blinking. 2nd kid: Has one blurry picture of graduation day."
"i think i’ll find the cure for depression in the knick knack section of a thrift store"
"Thinking about how many times my dating life has been used as a storytime to my friends’ significant others."
"Life with astigmatism is more romantic because every light is a twinkle light."
"Why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco."
"Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at Home Depot."
"the cat i’m watching rn screams whenever i get too close to her and also whenever i get too far away and i am suddenly feeling a lot of empathy for my ex boyfriends"
“'We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it' OK but I’m gonna worry about the bridge now"
"I love when my husband says, 'correct me if I’m wrong,' like I would pass up that opportunity."
"A cool thing about being a parent is that I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume because I naturally look like a zombie from The Walking Dead."