Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
Me: Can you go to the store?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 18, 2020
Husband: Sure.
Me: *gives him a grocery list*
Husband: *forgets several items*
Me: Did you look at the list?
Husband: No, I forgot.
(Repeats weekly)
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 15, 2020
Marriage:
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 17, 2020
I love you but you’re out of your fucking mind
70% of marriage is yelling “what” from a different room.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020
Wife’s traveling for work, so I’ve set an alarm for 1AM, to yell at myself for using her pillow
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 19, 2020
Reasons I married a woman:
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 22, 2020
I can’t multitask for shit and someone in my life had to.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 22, 2020
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 14, 2020
-marriage
Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 11, 2020
We haven’t cheated on each other but my wife and I will quietly unplug the other one’s phone even if it’s at like 9% to give ours some extra juice.
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) February 16, 2020
My wife told me that to revive the spark in our marriage I should start treating her like I did when we first started dating so last night I took her to a movie and dropped her off at her parents house
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 19, 2020
My husband’s been yelling at Siri for almost 20 minutes..Should I tell him he’s talking to Alexa?
— Momma G (@TheOnlyMommaG) February 13, 2020
Husband: you alright?
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 12, 2020
Me, on my period: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: *drives to a different store to save $.75 on bread*
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 19, 2020
Also Me: *spends $400 on a blow-dryer*
[later that night]
Husband: How was your day?
Me: Great! I saved us money on bread.
Wife: *passionately pouring her heart out to me about PTA, the kids’ day, next month’s budget, vacation and other many important things*
— dADDisms (@Beagz) February 12, 2020
Me: Is that my hoodie?
He died doing what he loved, gloating about the one time, several years ago, he won an argument with his wife.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) February 21, 2020
[Immediately after he introduces me to someone]
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 21, 2020
My husband: Yes, she is always that awkward
My husband thinks that if he whistles, but quietly, it won't bother me as much.
— Cathryn 💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) February 21, 2020
NOT SO.
Just watched our server back away in sheer terror when my husband suggested we share a dessert.
— Jo💫 (@Just__J0) February 14, 2020
Me:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 19, 2020
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband: *gets up*
Me: Will you get me—
Husband: *sits back down*
Marriage is basically cleaning the kitchen and then walking away for 2 seconds and then coming back and seeing the kitchen is destroyed again and getting super annoyed over and over again until you die.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 22, 2020
Traveling with your husband is fun because no matter where you go you’ll still end up in a Wal-Mart buying the one thing he was entrusted to pack.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 16, 2020
My wife and I have an agreement: I get to hold the remote and she gets to make every other decision in our lives.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 14, 2020
Not to brag but my husband said I’m like the most high maintenance person he’s ever been with.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 14, 2020
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