Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or less.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: *vacuuming*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 3, 2020
Husband: *eating chips on the couch in his underwear* I told you I was about to do that.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 1, 2020
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
When my wife was younger she thought she would marry a Navy SEAL, but instead she just married me, a man with the body of a seal.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 26, 2020
Our bathroom light has been out for a year bc it’s so hard to change & my husband REFUSES to let me hire someone bc “he can do it”. So he finally fixed the light & when I turned it on he says “well just try not to turn it on a lot idk if I wired it right” are they all like this
— motherducker (@houseandhens) March 5, 2020
when your wife gets a job at netflix pic.twitter.com/rjCbpGm6If
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 26, 2020
Husband: *clears throat*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2020
Me: *sprays him with Lysol*
Marriage is basically a competition to demonstrate that you're more tired than your spouse.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) February 27, 2020
I was out shopping with my husband & I was being super cranky & annoyed by every person we passed. He said, “ok, let’s go get you something to eat” & I’ve never been so understood in my whole life.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 29, 2020
-commercial break-
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 25, 2020
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Wife: Wanna have sex?
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) March 7, 2020
Me: Mehhh, I dunno if I’m feeling it tonight
Wife: *Sends pic of a clean, empty sink*
Me: Your ass better be in that bed in 2 minutes.
My wife likes to keep the mystery in our relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 4, 2020
For example, I never know what is going to arrive for her from Amazon today.
~married spooning~
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) March 2, 2020
“This feels amazing”
10 seconds later
“You’re body heat is melting me,I can’t feel my arm,you’re cutting off my circulation”
My husband will drive 15 miles out of his way to save $.06/gallon on gas.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 7, 2020
Sometimes I reminisce about my days as a newlywed, when my husband and I were young, carefree, and had full sets of matching plates and glasses.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 28, 2020
My husband and I agree about the thermostat, but not the toaster, and I feel like toaster is worse. I could put on a sweater if I was cold, but I can't unburn my toast.
— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) March 7, 2020
*wakes up my husband to ask if he’s sleeping*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 28, 2020
Take two, they’re not small but they’ll be gone by the time you get home anyway.
— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) February 28, 2020
-my wife, hitting me with the wisdom as I pack a pastry in my lunch for work
Marriage counsellor: So what's the problem?
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) March 3, 2020
Wife: Well, for starters, he never takes anything seriously.
Me: And for main course?
Sure, childbirth is painful, but have you ever had your spouse talk about their day at work in excruciating detail?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2020
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 27, 2020
“It’s not about winning or losing” I mumbled as I made a bed on the couch and my wife slept in our bed.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 5, 2020
Husband: I feel like what I said earlier may have upset you.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) March 3, 2020
Me, throwing darts at our wedding photo: I’m fine.
"Did you get a good night's sleep," my husband asks.
— Uncle Jeff (@PickleRudd) March 5, 2020
I gaze off into the distance, as if lost in a dream, "once".
Me: what year did we get married?
— spring forward (@MommaUnfiltered) February 29, 2020
Him: 2001
Me:
Him: 2004
Me:
Him: 2005!!!
Me: what year did Tom Brady win his first super bowl?
Him: February 3, 2002
He never closes the bread bag and always complains that the bread is stale.
— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 7, 2020
Marriage is fun.
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